Social Media Disaster

Social media is managing to ruin the happiness of innocent people. It's managing to make people feel more in the know, and yet somehow, less connected to those around them. It's showing the highlight reel that people want others to see while everyone else sits at home and focusing on their behind the scenes muck - the laundry that needs done, the awful day at work, the bills that need paid, the vacations lusted after, and the free time no one can seem to find.

So the question is - How does everyone have a better life than me when I pull them up on social media? 

Answer: Because we only see the bits that they want to show. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to pull up FB to find so-and-so is arguing with their boyfriend again, what's-his-name was just laid off, or who's-she-what's-its is having the worst day ever because they're out of pumpkin soy latte's and she has a hole in her yoga pants. I WANT to see the good things that people want to share, but that doesn't mean I'm sitting at home reflecting on my oh-so-perfect life too. Because it's not. Because no one's life is perfect. Because social media creates unrealistic expectations. Unrealistic - as in NOT REAL.

So earlier this year I made a conscious effort to spend less time on facebook. I actually closed my account for several months. And guess what? I didn't miss it. I did eventually get back on so I could see pictures of my ever growing extended family and my friends' accomplishments. But I'm keeping in touch with the people I still want to keep in touch with by ACTUALLY talking to them, or texting them, or visiting them. It gets difficult as you get older and lives get more busy with that day to day grind we all deal with but it's worth it. Facebook is great to browse through pictures of loved ones, but it's not a place I want to live. I want to actually live outside the confines of a screen.

Take away message?

 Comparison is the thief of joy. Get out there and be joyful with the people you care about.

Setbacks

Setbacks are just that - setbacks. They are not roadblocks. The minute we start treating them as such is the minute we accept our first failure as the be all and end all.

Success requires effort and lots of trying. Sometimes you learn the 'Don'ts' before you find the 'Do's'. Actually, you're lucky if your first attempt succeeds.

What makes a person of character is to see the silver lining in circumstances - to put forth the hard work and come up with a win when at first all you see is failures.

And a few quotes that coincide nicely:
"God can move mountains, but He may hand you a shovel."

"Pray like everything depends on God, work like everything depends on you." -St Ignatius

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." Thomas Edison

Humble

Today I was reminded to be humble.
That there is always a silver lining.
That there is always someone that has it worse.
That my piddly little problems are just that - piddly and little.

Today I was reminded to not sweat the small stuff and that next year (insert here) will not matter.
That if I can shift my focus on others and ignore the "world revolves around me" attitude
That if I just breathe and thank God for my blessings
Then, and only then, will I feel better.

Life really is beautiful, even if it's ugly at times. We just need to stop overlooking the everyday miracles.

Guidelines to Teach My Future Children:

I read a blog post recently where this woman wrote a list of things she wants her daughter to learn, life rules/lessons of sorts. So I of course made my own. And I made a lot because I am not lacking when it comes to the written word.

Never stop learning-be it cooking, driving a stick shift, shingling a shed, or taking a class at the local university. Yearn to learn always.

Don't be stagnant, stagnancy is death and life is a journey.

Travel the world...and don't forget the Imodium.

Be brave and try new things. Have courage.

Save money for something worth it, including emergencies.

High quality [and generally higher priced] things last longer. Have fewer better quality things.

Stuff is filler - think of people. Save mementos but not everything. Things are for people -- stuff is for using, not the other way around.

Time is so precious. You cannot stockpile it. Use it wisely.

Find a hobby, something that is yours.

Hug the people you love, and tell them you love them every single day.

Ignore the insults of others and let your freak flag fly - march to your own drum, always. Don't be discouraged.

Keep it simple. It may not be easy, but it is drama free[ish]

Question your relationship with God, that will strengthen it; He can handle it. But never turn your back on Him or stop practicing your faith...and do right by him. He's got you covered for an eternity.

Do not judge others, everyone has their battles and no one is perfect.

Go to university - have fun, be safe, and get a good degree.

Find your passion, one that you can make a career.

Don't forget where you came from.

Aim for 8 fruits and vegetables a day. Eat clean 90% of the time and drink plenty of water.

Get shit done - don't procrastinate - Carpe Diem

Do the next [right] thing

Think of others' feelings when you open your mouth.

Honesty really is the best policy. Don't lie, it is unbecoming.

Stand up for yourself, for what you believe in.

A sweet attitude and a smile get you far and get what you want relatively painlessly.

Life is not fair, but it goes on. Suck it up, you don't have it nearly as bad as others.

Don't give your body freely. That should be saved for someone you love. Just wait until you're married, then I won't have to worry about you and you won't get your heart broken unnecessarily.

Say your prayers.

Read lots of great books. Find a soundtrack for your life.

When you aren't feeling well, try a long shower and an even longer nap.

Do not be afraid to fail, then get up again.

Guard your heart but do not guard your heart so much that you miss an opportunity to love.

Lose graciously, you cannot always win.

Shake hands and look people in the eye.

You have two ears and one mouth, use them accordingly.

You are not better than anyone, and no one is better than you.

Take care of your body/health, it's the only one you've got and it has to last your whole life.

Surround yourself c good people, quality friends help form your opinions once you're an adult.

Stand up straight, walk with your head held high.

Gossiping never does anyone any good.

Trust your instincts.

Don't settle - there are enough mediocre things in this world. Your job, spouse, and life don't have to be.

Study, study, study.

Take responsibility for your actions and apologize when you're wrong.

Do not be afraid of emotions, you are human.

Each decision affects another.

Do not drink and drive. And do not do either excessively, walk...and watch other people make asses of themselves. Hangovers aren't worth it, and neither is your future.

If you're not comfortable talking about it, you shouldn't be doing it.

Never take yourself too seriously, you will not make out this life alive. Keep a sense of humor.

Humility

Faith keeps you grounded, hopeful, humble; it lays a solid foundation, keeps you focused on something bigger than yourself. Because we are but a small part of something infinitely greater than ourselves.

"Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less."

Just look at the night sky, at all it's beauty. Think of your scale in reference to everything else. How small we are! We evolved as part of a plan - by no accident, mind you. We are here to make a difference, to make the world better. Each act puts into motion another - a ripple effect.

It's when we start looking at the world as something to serve us selfishly, as something that revolves around us that we get it all wrong. While we may only see things perfectly from our perspective, with only our experiences to guide us, we need to see that Christ resides in others just as He lives in each of us.

And that's something I continuously have to remind myself. Every. Single. Day. That's why I wear the Holy Spirit [in dove form] around my neck, as my reminder. How imperfect but beautiful we all are. 

"I'm a practicing Catholic because I haven't gotten it right yet." - Father Marv

sylyb

Discontent

So, it's been awhile....it's always been awhile.

I am a content person, but even me, the Positive Patrice that I am can get disgruntled. We all have our moments of weakness. That being said, my life is good. So good in fact that I should erase this post and entitle it gratitude - list off all the things that I have the privilege of being honored to have and take part in.  But I'll admit, that's not going to happen. Now I'm not on here to complain about my day. "OMG, Starbucks ran out of pumpkin spice and I had to take full fat milk. My thighs are gonna be huge." I'm here to complain about the current limbo status of my life - everyone goes through this, I just didn't think it would be limboing this long. 

You've heard me gripe before about the struggles of my near end and post college year where all my plans were scattered and my life appeared to be crumbling from the pavement. Yes, at that stage in my life, it did. It was THE. WORST. THING. EVER. To happen to anyone, in the history of forever (please say you caught the melodrama). Funny how hind sight is 20/20 and suddenly there's enough time between you and the event to forget how painful it had been to go through. We never stop having growing pains. It wasn't that these happened to me - its that they happened all....at....once. Kick me while I'm down please. But I did get through it on top and have some wonderful life lessons in my back pocket for later use. 

No, now I  talking about my current state - the obvious horrendous endeavors of a twenty something. These are exciting times that I know for a fact I will look back on with smiles - again grateful for the lessons learned and grateful to never go through them again.  

I've declared September 2013 Hell Month, I've also labelled it Get Shit Done month. Because if the month is going to be awful, you might as well use that frustration for something worth while/productive (you know, after I'm done griping blog style). 

Long story short - work is entirely too busy and we've had additional projects put on my plate. And with a coworker being gone 3 of the 4 weeks you can imagine how über excited I am to see September go away. Not to say this month is to be forgotten (I did do my first triathlon without any major snafus, which was entirely too much fun). What I'm saying is, I won't be sad to see September go. 

What with all these frustrations and my need to look past them to keep my sanity during the day, my mind has resorted to sending me very evident messages of my utter lack of self direction in the form of nightmares. As in - stuck in the open ocean surrounded by sharks and unable to swim, watching your town crumble and flood with no help of salvaging it, or resorting to living underground where bombs above can't hurt you. Yeah, maybe that's the plan. I'll call for a life hiatus - go underground for awhile - live the life of a recluse until I can safely say I've dealt with my concerns the healthy adult way (if that's what we're calling me these days) and moving on.

It's just a matter of all the what ifs in this limbo I'm living. But is that my new normal? Uncertain of the future in any aspect of my life. "When nothing is certain, everything is possible" and TERRIFYING I might add. Remember, I'm content. I need a good shove in the right direction to see that being in my safety zone is actually getting me nowhere. 

So on that fine note, I've purchased a personal trainer kit, been (kind of) on the lookout for new jobs and have informed myself that living life happens each day. And making the most of it means I'll be working towards something great but also living the content life. 

So if all this life frustration is good for something it's a fire under my behind. Because a woman on a mission - this woman (the one my mother calls a bulldog) can move some mountains (or at least a sizable mole hill).

What's that sound you say? Hang on, let me change into my cut off shirt and sweat shorts. That my friend, is the sound of Eye of the Tiger playing in the background. Getting me pumped to get shit done.

As always, SYLYB 

Peruvian Holiday -Setting Off

Peru April 30 - May 12

"Miss, would you like a drink?"
I turned my face from the window and say "water" through the dry air.

There is a fine line between getting enough water and it being a nuisance for travel. So I begrudgingly requested a drink. I didn't want a headache and I know the importance in keeping your wits about you- don't get dehydrated. I could feel the need for a bathroom already, but on a plane as small as that one I was going to hold it, pretty sure my kidneys and bladder weren't happy but I'm not overly enthused with airplane bathrooms. Not that I'm a germaphobe, its just inconvenient. 

She handed me the little plastic cup. "Thank you."

I gulped the water down quickly and turned back to face the window. Lost in thought about the next two weeks - what they would bring, what we would learn, what we'd take back. Just the first leg of the journey, still several more hours to go - more time to get lost in thought, or a book. I would be landing in Miami around the same time as my travel companion Jessica.

Jessica, is what I lovingly consider my travel mate. We have now traveled out of the country twice and have driven and flown from one coast to the other. Even though I am an introvert, I never tire of her on trips as we both manage alone time [together] well. We work well as a duo/tag team and have a lot in common...and she puts up with me, even when I ask her to take very specific pictures or make her listen to my ramblings. At this point, it has been months since I have seen her and I feel giddy. Giddy because she has that energy and personality - she sucks you in and you smile. Because she's go-with-the-flow, sometimes ridiculous, and almost always upbeat [excluding times when she is hangry or her patience runs dry. Any who would be upbeat then anyway?]. Jessica is really one of a kind, the kind of person you wish you knew if you didn't. I love her and know she was placed in my life at just the right time, a friend I needed to help develop as a person during my formative year in Oklahoma for graduate school and beyond...and now, moving on from the sentimental.

Our remaining flights went without a hitch, I slept through the 6 hour flight like a champ. That was the intent in working a full day and catching a red eye [apart from it being cheaper and my strict budget].

We arrived in Cusco, Peru and headed out into the open autumn air awaiting our ride to the company we used and then to our hotel. We waited. And waited for another 40 minutes. Now, having traveled out of the country enough I know punctuality and schedules are not quite as tight as those in the US. So when we waited a half hour we weren't surprised, but when we became the only people sitting outside and a group of restless taxi drivers started circling we knew we'd been forgotten. I had written down their phone numbers just in case and this was one of those cases where I'm especially glad Jessica and I are list makers and prepared travelers.

Within 10 minutes of our phone call we had a driver meet us and take us to the company we booked with, Wayki Trek. The great thing about first leaving an airport in a foreign country is the beauty in it. Everything is new. You work so hard to absorb everything you feel like a deer in the headlights - wide eyes and speechless. It's like a first impression of the country. You are immediately immersed in the world you've dropped yourself in. Suddenly your senses are in overdrive - what you see, the sounds, the smells, how things feel and eventually how things taste. From what I could see, Peru did not disappoint on it's first impression. It was old, had that old worn feeling. It was busy and the streets on that end of town weren't the cleanest but the colors of buildings were bright and the Andes remained ever present in the background. The closer in to town we got the cleaner it looked and the more pieces of history we could see - the parts of Incan culture that remained and those that had been  blended with Spanish. The streets were filled with vehicles weaving in and out, the sidewalks bustling with people selling their wares or walking to work. I was ready.

After arrival we had a few scheduling glitches - a misunderstanding on our part, and an itinerary mistake on theirs. Things did not start smoothly, but we didn't expect perfection. We had, in fact, booked our entire trip via email with an organization whose first language is not English. You can't expect perfection. A few mistakes are to be expected, and I'm thrilled we had so few. So we spent a good chunk of time that morning remedying the issues. By the time we were taken to our hostel I was ready to take a shower and a eat a light meal...but check in time wasn't until later so we stored our bags and headed into town...

The first time I traveled out of the States I was in high school and was blown away. I blame my mother for infecting me with the Wanderlust Bug, and my older brother for inspiring me. He  demonstrated the benefit of, not being fearless but, courageous to travel/live abroad. Mom was my companion to Italy and then to Ireland a year later. Those first two experiences were wonderful, life-changing times. For those of you who have stamps in your passport you know what this means - it isn't just about a stamp in your passport.

Traveling isn't just some expensive excursion. It is a learning experience from the minute to set foot on foreign soil until the minute you arrive home. You can't get the full effect from a blog or some pictures. There is so much more to it. It is knowledge you cannot learn from a book, and I love learning. I will work my longest, hardest, and live frugally to travel as much as I can: to never take for granted how good I have it, to see how fortunate I am, to view the world from a different perspective, if even just for a little while, to eat/sleep/drink/breathe a different culture - to immerse yourself in it. Traveling is more than a scrapbook or a souvenir. It is an experience that worms it's way down to your being and settles in your soul, shaking you and leaves you unsettled...always wanting more.

Doesn't that sound romantic? Don't get me wrong, there are the not so glamorous portions of traveling. This trip was no exception - several days without showers, the interesting toileting arrangements, the altitude sickness, adjustments to different food/drink, and blunders a foreigner [you] will make in another territory [especially if their native language is anything but yours]. The point is not that these things happen, but that you learn from them, you grow, and you are not hindered by the fear to keep on learning and growing - to keep traveling.

You only have one life to live. Soak it up. Sip it down, and keep your appetite for life [and traveling] hearty. Part 2 coming soon.

sylyb

DAN

No excuses, it's been awhile....moving on...

I find that I am my own self-help book. I am constantly working toward bettering myself. As we all know, change does not necessarily equate to progress and what I'm going for is strict progress. For a positive life journey there is something very important that I am not always the greatest at: being productive and proactive. I am not always the most decisive [I already know this...so does everyone else], I am very indecisive about things that I don't care about....and that means I go with the flow. When it comes to things that matter I am as stubborn as a mule and my mind cannot be changed. That being said I have implemented a few key words/phrases into my continuously evolving "Mantra"

1. Do the next thing.
2. Surrender [as in to God's plan].
3. Decisive Action Now [DAN].

So, I got home after work, had a snack, started laundry, and am preparing to work out. Productivity at it's best.

So I'm trying to get myself in better shape so that I can climb a mountain and not be super sore. Got my measurements, took my "before" pictures and I am ready. More later....Operation Inca in progress.

Patience in the Plan

Soakin' Up the Sun

Cousins

The problem with patience is that you need it when you have none, and it seems when you have plenty, you are never in need of it. Of course, knowing that time is relative, Einstein's theory, etc etc explains all that.

I have been trying to succumb to the fact that this place I am in currently is a necessary waiting period for the next step. Everything in due time, all the appropriateness of an unfolding rosebud in the morning sun. Steps of course, are scary, changes are challenging, and new beginnings are never as easy as endings, which are all too often bittersweet.

LP & Me

I'm not trying to be extremely picky, but I'm not settling for work simply to change my pace or my geography. Change isn't always progress after all. But what I do know, is that I am meant for more than these four walls, more than this town, more than what currently 'is.'

Patience self, and in the meantime, just do the next thing. Take the next step and trust that the map is unfolding as the journey continues on.

Mustache you a question...

I can't be the only one dealing with this, in fact, I know I am not from the several conversations I have sitting on the phone agonizing over the frustrations of our young lives. We've all taken different paths, and yet, we're all in similar boats. We've all hit different stages with different challenges. I have the friends without significant others to married moms, friends between jobs, in jobs they love or hate, friends in house, apartments, living with their parents. I am in extremely good company it would seem. It is the age of uncertainty, the age where when nothing is certain everything is possible....and scary, and awesome. Just breathe, just wait, enjoy the ride.

In other news, I have been busy with work [full time, with benefits].
* I have paid off my grad loans [in exactly one year].
* I went to SOUTHERN Florida for family vacation.
* I went to the OSU opening game.
* I've done some serious job hunting.

Pre-Game

Until next time...sylyb

Chicago Half

Hannah and I had a conversation about dating over the weekend. Funny how we never run out of things to talk about after all these years. Anyway, on to the point of this post.

What is the deal with the stigma surrounding 'dating around.' I don't mean hooking up, I literally mean dating around. I mean getting to know members of the opposite sex. I mean taking a test drive on compatibility, outside of the distractions of other people, where harmless flirting is encouraged and witty conversation abounds. Without knowing all sorts of different people, you wind up choosing someone you click with well enough. But I don't just want someone I tolerate well enough. And maybe that's the romantic in me. Maybe I like the idea of knowing all different types of people so I know what's truly the best match for me. I don't want to be that divorce statistic. And I deserve to take my time.

Finding a mate is on my to-do list, but not just yet. Times have changed and what was once conventional timing to meet and marry is now far too young. I didn't end up with my high school or college boyfriend. But I'm also not the same person I was in high school or college. It's really impressive to see people last when those years are such huge ones in finding yourself. I congratulate them, but I'm not one of them. I'll likely not make it to 60+ years like my grandparents because I didn't get married at 20. I have so many adventures to have as "just Mara" before settling in the suburbs with my mortgage and mom-van [although, I could do without the mom-van entirely].

Looking especially B.A with Nicholas & Nathan

Dear future husband, I'm really excited to meet you, but right now my life is very out of order. Let me tie up a few loose ends first...and get the hell out of Springfield.

In other news:

Had a great time watching/supporting Hannah for her half marathon in Chicago. Got too spend some times with my older brothers and made a few new friends. All in all it was such a good weekend I slept for 11 hours after I got home. And we KNOW I need my sleep.

Ate so many kcals this weekend I haven't been hungry all day and I exercised already [my mitochondria were wondering what was going on without much movement over the weekend. Is that too nerdy to say?].

My new Chicago family

Things I've Learned About Myself

It takes a long time to develop who you are as a person [it is, after all, an always evolving process]. Sometimes it is an even longer time to be able to look at yourself and see yourself from an objective eye. It takes moments of hardship, times of great change, and difficult decisions to see the stuff that you're made of.

Was it "The Girl Next Door" that said, is the juice worth the squeeze? Well, you do need to know what you're working with, what you've got to offer, to know where you need to improve and how you can make yourself better on this life journey.

There are things that I can honestly say I would never have guessed about myself if the problems that arose on my life journey did not present themselves. Yes I would be a little less worn, but as the saying goes, easy seas do no make a tough sailor....or something along those lines.

1. I am strong & independent. Yes, I do rely heavily on my family but I know that if I had to move to say, Oklahoma, for a year I could without a doubt not only survive but flourish. Oh, wait! I've already done that.

2A. It takes me a long time to fall in love/trust/accept someone without reservation. I can't say that it's the past relationships that I've been involved in...I can't actually pinpoint it. What I do know is that when you're in, you're a lifer, when I'm only lukewarm, it might just stay that way.
2B. Do not cross the people I consider to be essential to me [my lifers], because although I love only a few without reservation, I love them with a passion you cannot match. It's very much a, "Don't tell me a momma joke," because you will go down. 

3. I truly believe time heals most wounds. People die and their places they've kept in your heart can't be filled by some other hobby or person, they're not supposed to be; individuals are unique and the role they play in your life is as such. That being said, everyone can move on. You have the courage, the gumption, and the willpower to say, "Yes, that hurt, but it can only keep me down for so long."

4. Sadness really does make happiness all the more worthwhile. I've had some low moments in my life, but if I hadn't dedicated time to allowing myself to be sad/dejected/hurt/betrayed I would not have come out stronger, I would not have found a more fulfilling happiness.

5. I am not, nor will I ever be a control freak. I don't want control. Why do you think I pray so hard to God for guidance? He's got the paperwork in order, He already paid for the warranty on my soul, on His plan for me. Why go jumbling the plans? Hindsight is 20/20 I guess and I don't have the best vision.

6. I do everything on my own time, at my own pace, in my own way. And if you push it too hard when I'm not ready I will resist that much more. This counts from the very trivial to my very essence. eg. I hated turtlenecks [much to my mother's chagrin] until I didn't, and I didn't wear turtlenecks until the minute I started liking them.

7. It doesn't matter how often I have to get up early in the morning I will NEVER be a morning person and I will not resort to caffeine. We don't need to see my hyper. Even tempered Mara is so much better [and energetic enough].

8. I am much better with the written word than face to face, even more eloquent. I think the gift of gab went to my fingers twice when I kissed the Blarney stone.

9.  I march to my own drum [for sure] and I am un-apologetically myself. My mother calls me a free spirit, sounds pretty good to me. I play like a 5 year old, look like a 17 year old, and bake like an 85 year old. I wear aprons when I cook, avoid combing my hair, and live with my head in the clouds.

10. I love sweating a lot when I exercise. It feels like I've accomplished that much more and helps me to really earn the shower. Using these muscles, maintaining this body so it can keep me running. Don't want to abuse my only vehicle in life.

Whoah Baby

Celebrating Father's Day with Dad Bro No1&3 and nephew

For shame!

I got on and realized it has been absolute AGES since I posted anything.

You know the monotony of work, and I guess sometimes it's easier to NOT post about something boring than to try and find the value of yet another beautiful day and discuss it here.

So the low down on what I've been doing these past several months, and I don't think they're going to be in any particular order:

Went to/was in Britt's wedding in the DC area, very lovely weekend and I was so happy to get to spend some quality time with her. It's always hard to arrange time to talk and near impossible to visit so this was just a fantastic Memorial Day weekend wedding celebration. Congratulations Brittany and Rob :)

Obsessively watching Olympic Trials because I love all things Olympics and America, duh [I'm pretty sure I've mentioned how much I love Independence Day]! I won't pretend, swimming is my favorite thing to watch, probably because I really enjoy swimming....it's all we'll have on the TV for those weeks in July/August.

Went to the shooting range with Dad and Nathan and shot an actual gun [not an air rifle, not a bb gun, a real life GUN]...had one of those girly moments where I was so proud of myself having shot with so much power in my hands that I swung around and smiled at Nathan. The gun was facing down, but it was hot. Thank goodness I didn't shoot my someone's foot! What a ditz! I did get a bulls-eye with my first magazine as well. Pretty pleased!

Continuing my quest for a healthy physique and decreased body fat percentage. I've started to really notice the difference in my arms and calf muscles, if I keep it up I may be too hot to handle [HA!] when we go to Florida for vacation.

Still doing my Spanish/Rosetta Stone, gotta say it's hard to balance with everything else. If I'm going to have a life, help fix dinner, and exercise Spanish can sometimes take the back burner....slowly working on it. Spain is still the ultimate goal.

Had a wicked storm this weekend and our neighbor's tree fell, among several other branches and power outages. Thank you Jesus we didn't have any issues. Crazy wind!!!

Hopefully going to get switched over to full time at the hospital, although I will admit, the longer they put it off the more irritated with them I get. I've been there 16 months working full time without benefits, isn't that reason enough to hire me on? I'm sorry, but sometimes all I can think is "B*** S***" I'm being used as cheap labor because they can and I haven't left yet.

So figuring out my next life step is not coming so easy. I've been pretty comfortable in my own happy little safe zone, but I know if I want to grow more as a person I'm going to have to really step it up and do something, just jump out of the comfort zone and dive in. I had read a quote somewhere that said "When nothing is sure, everything is possible" and I've decided I really like that positive spin on things. Just got to get the gumption to be like Nike and just do it.

Have been loving the hot hot hot temperatures, probably makes me sound crazy but whatever, I'm pretty sure I was made to love in warmer conditions. Get cold far too easily to like the winter weather months, although snuggling up with blankets and sweatshirts is nice I'd much rather live in a bathing suit or sun dress.

In other news? No, that's just going to be it.

Hope you all have a good one. Celebrate July 4th right with family, friends, good food and lots of pyrotechnics!

Daughters and Sons

Source: Uploaded by user via Mara on Pinterest

Kony 2012

Make him famous, get the word out. Make your voice heard. Any army of small voices is an army that makes a difference.

http://www.invisiblechildren.com/donate

Perspective

I don't enjoy getting up in the morning. I don't drink coffee and I'm not much of a morning person, but I am required to show up to work ready to start my day at 7 a.m. Early, I know...trust me, ha. So to save time and spare my skin during these winter months I'll occasionally just wash my hair in the tub so I don't have to get up quite as early [or that's what I've resorted to BECAUSE I don't get up as early].

Anyway, there I was earlier this week washing my hair as usual when I started looking around the bathroom behind me, with the blood rushing to my head as it hung soapy upside down. The bathroom looked different. Yes, it was exactly the same, everything was where it normally sat, but it was also different.

And that's the thing about life. It's remarkable really. If you only change your perspective on it, what once looked "blah", now looks a little different. I started out literal, but it brought me to the conclusion that if you want to be happy, truly happy and you're in a situation that has been "blah" for what seems like ages, maybe what you should be changing is not the situation but your view of it. And in flopping your view of the situation you will in turn alter the situation itself.

Strong words for something as simple as a quick hair scrub in the tub, but just a thought for your Saturday.

sylyb.

Not Exotic

Sometimes I wish I looked more exotic. You know, dark and mysterious. Grass is always greener right? I'm as far from exotic looking as you can get. German+Irish=Me

Yeah, I look as far from exotic as you can get. So much so that I get the old "I think I know you...I recognize you...we've met before" line by a random smattering of people. And no, not in the "you come here often" sense.  But maybe that means I look comforting, maybe that means I look like someone you'd like to become friends with, who knows? I'll take that as my consolation prize. Besides, I really really love my blue eyes.

Dirty dishwater blond hair, blue eyes, square face. Average height, average build. But I am me. I have my paternal grandmother's jaw, my maternal grandfather's eyes. I am the product of two people, a culmination of their personalities...with several additions of my own.

So I don't look exotic, but I've got a lot going for me...which is nice ;)

You Never Fall In Love the Same Way Twice

I love "love" and I'm a hopeless romantic. Jane Austen. Poetry. Grand gestures, quiet moments. I want it all. I want the passion, a playmate/partner in crime, a friend for life. I could go on and on...So in honor of the ever approaching St. Valentine's Day:

I read somewhere that you can never love the same way twice. These are very heavy words to process. You could take it that
1. A great love you had, one that you look back on and say to yourself "Man, if only I could have that again..." Or
2. A love you're happy to leave in the deep recesses of your memory banks "Thank goodness I learned my lessons from that and it is behind me."

The way I see it, having not been in a relationship for some time [and I'm content with that, I've got a lot of me to figure out still without attaching a "plus one" to the mix just yet] love shouldn't be the same way twice. You're not the same person with every single one of your friends, there's a different dynamic with your different relationships. Why should something as important as love be any different? I think love is not supposed to be the same. Love is too extensive, cannot be contained, and should not be attempted to be put on repeat. Don't read over the previous chapter and don't try and skip ahead. Begin the next chapter instead and read it page by page. This is life, and love is what makes it bearable.

You can wish all you want for what you had, or the what-ifs, or the bits of how things were before, but that's looking behind you for something that is yet to be discovered. Trust that the love you will have will be better than the loves you've experienced so far. Trust.

Trust, this word keeps ringing out clear to me in my prayers. Like a good wine, [or cheese or any other food metaphor you like with aging] or the scar on my foot from my trip to Mexico...they all require lots of time to be made into their best form, perfect. Good things worth waiting for are full bodied, and matured to perfection for that moment where it's all supposed to culminate, when the scar is so faded you forget you even were hurt in the first place.

And that's love, you're swimming in it and once overcome you forget about how painful it may have been to lose a love before. You trust that this love will be worth it all. And it will, in time...at just the right moment.

Have a very LOVEly Valentine's Day, all! And power to the people without a loved one this year, because you're passively preparing for the right moment when he or she will make your love story complete.

nos vemos. te quiero. adios

Swaying in the Dark

There's something really satisfying about turning on soft music in the dark and swaying to the beat...or putting on headphones on a long car ride in the late hours of the day and just closing your eyes, and disappearing [obviously, not as the driver].

You know the feeling, everything in the day - good, bad, or otherwise, just melts away and you're lost in the music. You're lost in the mood it evokes, and for that short while you forget everything around you.

I find that Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon is an excellent album to get lost in, but I'm also fond of the somewhat moody Amos Lee, Ray Lamontagne, and Griffin House.

I think it's the perfect simplicity of the words in combination with the intensity in the way it's sung: heartwrenching, heartbreaking, honest. I don't know, but I like it....especially after a rather stressful day.

The problem with technology comes when it stops working. It's hard to do your job when you rely so heavily on something that decided to just quit working today. Yep, our charting system on the computers were down today. And to top it off, they rearranged the way in which we chart our evaluations and plans. I realize this means almost nothing to those of you who don't know what I have to do during the day, but trust me, it's a big old pain in the butt. So instead of having a nice low key Friday [which I tried to ensure yesterday but working a little longer and a little harder] I ended up not being able to look up or chart on any of my patients until two hours before I was supposed to leave.

Needless to say, I'm sitting in the dark listening to above mentioned men...just letting the 40+ hour work week drift off with the setting sun.

Happy Friday all, next week is already February!!! Time flies.

Una Tienda de Campana Pequena

I wish I could learn a new language via osmosis....or hear it in my sleep and wake up more fluent. I realize it's been less than a month but I'm worried I'm not going to remember what I've already learned. I fear that I'm going to wake up more stupid. If only I had learned earlier, or was bilingual to start...life would have been so much easier! And to top it all of, I feel like a weather reporter...you know you're on site of a tropical storm and there is the split screen of the people in the studio too. It always takes the reporter a solid few seconds to respond because there's lag time.........oh yeah, there's lag time all right, my neurons are firing away, a little sluggish, but firing, HA!

Giddy

I know, I know. You've heard me talk about it the last few posts, but I'm still going strong. Yay me!

I've come to several conclusions to change my life starting now. I don't know what exactly it was that sparked me to take a stand for myself and realize my journey with God starts with me. It's not in the search to help someone else [although, that too comes into play]. It starts with getting me in the right place. It starts with getting myself in neutral, in putting myself in a place where I am receptive to what He has to say and be willing to say 'yes' to that [listening skills will have to be put into play here]. And I've got a long way to go yet [yes, I realize that too]. But I have to tell you...last night I was giddy. Smiling like a school girl with big dreams giddy. Giddy with the promise of that terrifyingly wonderful word that is possibility, possibility for tomorrow and the day after that. To prepare myself I'm being proactive today, the only real and tangible piece of time I can count on.

Giddy about what you ask? I spent four hours studying my Spanish. Si, amigos. I want to become fluent in the language. Not just so I can travel, not just so I can open up doors in my career, but to better myself, to make myself a more well rounded individual. And to think, all I needed was a friend to pose the innocent question "If you had the opportunity to learn it, why didn't you?" Because I did have the means and the time to do it and instead I sat at home like a lazy American...Ouch, sometimes the truth is bitter coming out. But, at least I have no pride. And at least I'm doing something about it now. I can't fix not doing it two and a half years ago but I won't regret having started this year.

Secondly, I want to get my body to the place I want it to be [yep, I took my anthropometric measurements on January 2nd]. Not so I can have an enviable body but so I feel confident in myself, and more importantly so I can show God through action I am grateful for the gift of movement and life. Not all people are so fortunate, and some of life's greatest pleasures require only our bodies, running through grass, snow angels in the winter, hide and seek with your nephew, swimming under a waterfall by the side of the road. You get the picture. My body is not simply a vessel to house my soul and the Holy Spirit. It was created by God in His image and likeness, or so Genesis tells us at least. So I vow to walk a little taller and move a little more [even though it is killing my calf muscles right now, I know they'll be happy I set them to work...eventually].

But the one who joins himself to the Lord is one spirit with Him...Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body. 
     -1 Corinthians 17, 19-20 NAB

I also know that to better myself I need to financially be stable. Hello IRA, monthly savings, and loan pay offs. Oh, and thanks Mom and Dad for letting me live at home while I get my stuff together [that helps A LOT].

So, yeah, big plans, exciting plans. Yes, life altering scary plans. But if I don't let go of what is stagnant, I cannot proceed with the journey ahead of me. And thank God I've come to this realization at my age, rather than being wistful and in the midst of a midlife crisis.

I am content knowing I am doing something because the little things add up. And because they add up in a big way.

Okay, I promise I will try not to continue gushing over my New Year's Resolution excitement. But I will keep you apprised of the situation. Fair enough?

Diez mil besos. sylyb.

2012

It comes whether you like it or not. It can come without warning, slipping in after the holiday rush has left you exhausted. It comes with anticipation, and occasionally usually it is anticlimactic.

As I've said before [well, maybe not on here...maybe so, I can't remember] I have never been one to be too excited about New Years. But this year? This year is going to be different. Why you ask? Because I've set my mind to making it a year worth remembering.

It seems I always tolerate the new year after it's in swing but it's letting go of the previous year. And don't get me wrong, 2011 was a fantastic year for me, but it's the start of something else. It's the beginning of another journey. And I'm excited. As I said in my previous post, I've got plans for this year, and I'm going to go into it with too high spirits to end up disappointed, and yes, I realize I have set some pretty lofty goals for myself, but I'm sure that if I put my mind to it, I can accomplish them all. Yes, maybe it'll take me a little longer than one year to accomplish everything I've set out to do but I know I can break it down. And more importantly, I know I can get it done if I put my mind to it.

Milestones and Accomplishments to Note in 2011:

• Passed Boards Exam and became an RD
• Went to Florida with the family
• Became an employed and contributing member of society as a clinical dietitian
• Had another birthday/another year older
• Payed off a good chunk of my government loans
• Witnessed births and deaths
• Went to Florida for Nathan's graduation
• Got another stamp in my passport with my biffle, Jessica. Mexico, check, check!
• Gave a pretty wonderful Christmas gift [if I do say so myself]
• Spent New Years with some of my favorite people

So I am grateful for 2011 and look forward to 2012. Get your appetite ready for another full plate of adventure in 2012! It's going to be a good one.

God bless you on your journey in 2012.

However You Say Cheers

With the holiday season under way I've got one thing to say:

"Negative Space" - the part that you're not

I'm excited!

.......and I'm nervous.                        

But I'm mostly excited about what's to come, the plans I've yet to make, the adventures I've yet to take. I've got the wheels in my head turning, and like any good bull dog I'm persistent. And I know that if I do right each and every day all those small things will add up and God will provide for me everything I need in this life.

I'm a work in progress, but even now, yes even now, I've got a lot to offer. So... salud. santé. sláinte. salute. cheers to that!

In other news, a random poem I like:

when the layers subside

and the fortune is empty

the pigment of our days 

will echo pure

and i will be nowhere

if not with you

-kylie johnson

Some Assembly Required

If I want to be a better person I have to do something about it.

 I recently returned form a trip to Cancun and had a very low moment of self loathing. I was back to real life, the job that I happily left behind for a week, the weather I did not miss, and the feeling that was always in the back of my mind - dissatisfaction. I had determined that my life was becoming stagnant and I was letting it.

I guess I've been dissatisfied in my impatience. Because, let's be honest, If I were being patient in the plan the Lord has for me I would not be distressed about where I am heading or how quickly I'll get there.

So in those low moments I made a mental list of all the things I wasn't happy about in my life and put the blame wherever else I could. It was a sad "woe is me" sort of story, one that might require any readers [cough, cricket cricket] to play the world's smallest violin for me. I guess next time I show up to my own pity party I'll just have to bring a better attitude to wake myself up to life. I have been lavishly blessed, and I hadn't spent enough time to say thank you.

Now, this is not to say that I have to sit back and make the best of what I've got going on. Far from it. It's like acknowledging my numerous blessings and gifts but only looking at them. Hello Mara, there is some assembly required. I guess now that I see them, now that I wallowed in my pity for a longer-than-necessary moment I've got to get the ball rolling, or if I'm keeping with the metaphor, put the pieces together and watch my work zoom around the room to show my gratitude for having all the pieces.

Yeah, that's it...I've just got to put some oomph into my life, get over myself and make the best of it. If I really want a change I have to make it happen and it's not going to bite me on the behind [even though that would be way more convenient, but if you know me well enough you know I'd always much prefer the words outright, subtlety is NOT my forte].

Funny enough, on a sort of related note, I also found an unusual bug bite from my return to the States...that happened to be on. my. behind. And...I just brought this topic from figurative to literal.....moving on, ha.

 So yes, the trip was lovely. Maybe I needed being away to get me back to the place that directs me where I want to be. And although I'm not satisfied now with where I am versus where want to be, that doesn't mean I won't be working toward it.

So while it's a little early for New Year's Resolutions, I have come up with a list of things that will help me on my journey and make me be a better Mara. Now, like all resolutions and best laid plans they are merely words until I finish them, so DO NOT HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE if I haven't finished them perfectly or exactly on time, I am after all a work in progress.

Okay, I'm done with the rant, here's the list:

10 Goals for 2012:

1. Pay off government loans from school by 06/30/13, but preferably 12/31/2012
2. Organize and declutter the whole house
3. Make a smock/apron
4. Set up a garden/herbs & compost
5. Date...ugh
6. Get fit and feel healthy which should tie in nicely with #7
     -As always, drink more water
     -Workout routine with staying power to get my Body Fat % down by 6%
     -Purge the junk food and bring on the 8-10 servings of fruits and vegetables
7. Make my appearance match how I feel i.e put forth some effort
8. Plan a trip [preferably including Jessica as my travel partner]
9. Be more satisfied with work/job
10. Learn Espanol, because I've got the means.

I think the real task here is going to be managing my time and money properly, because if I can do that I'll be set. Trust me, I know how to waste time with the best of them. You always make times for the things that you feel are a priority, it's just deciding that these things are worth my time.

I'm not really a fan of New Year's; it's kind of a sad sort of night. You are literally leaving everything behind, but I'm hoping if I'm on the up and up it won't much matter that I almost closed the year on a sour note. Why should I end on a sour note, I'm young and I've got things ahead of me? Besides, it's the mentality on what you make of it...and I'm giving myself a swift kick in the pants and changing my mentality. I've got no reason not to enter this holiday season with the highest of spirits.

In other news, Jessica, thank you for inviting me on a much needed trip. It was exactly what the dietitian ordered [mylyb]

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” ~ Lao Tzu

My Own Words of Wisdom...To Myself

Where your uncertainty of prayer ends is where your faith must begin.

A poem I wrote to myself a few years back:

Girl, do you really want to cry yourself to sleep another night?
Do you really want to relive that sorry hopeless fight?
It was a battle you knew you'd never win,
And here you go thinking about it again.
Things will turn out just as they're planned you know.
You can work out the details but end up too slow.
Aren't you satisfied with how things turned out so far?
Can you really see yourself with him and endure another spar?
Don't pull out those memories, don't dust off that shelf.
Makes plans for once, thinking only of yourself.
You deserve a day in the sunshine, to be happy once more.
Forget about conversations, leave them all at the door.
Bust open the windows, let the stuffy air out.
Pull apart the drapes and push off his clout.
You are your own person, singular, free, not owned by a man.
You start your own stories, you live your own dream, you can.
So shake off the cobwebs and pull out a dress.
Think not of tomorrow, tomorrow won't press.
Live for this moment, bare teeth and let your hair out.
Get over the sadness, and stop with your pout.
You're doing the best that you can.
God, himself has already figured your plan.
Succumb to the path He set out for you.
You'll have no trouble to do what you were born to do.

"You make plans. God laughs"

Eggs

Yes, I said it. Eggs.


My love for nutrition did not start out simply by wanting to eat well, well in the sense that it is healthy. My love for nutrition started out by wanting to eat well, as in good, as in enjoyably.

There is such a sense of joy that can be found in food. It is a basic necessity that can be simple or extravagant, sheer art or calculated chemistry. No, I guess it's not an either/or scenario: it's both, it's all of the above, it's always.

And yet, cooking can be a chore. And it sometimes is, as much as I love it I also dread it, which is why our country is a world of instant gratification and drive thru windows. We're lazy. Let's just leave it at that.

Cooking for me is what started off my love for food. As time went on I became more interested in what went into this food. It has such power to bring families together and draw friends closer. Most social events revolve around food and drink of some sort. It is, as I said before, a basic need that is also a pleasure.

I remember that eggs were the first thing I learned to cook when I was old enough to reach over the counter without burning myself. They were the first thing I didn't have to ask Mom for help doing. They were quick, tasty, and filling. Even now, on days when nothing else seems to sound enticing eggs always do. They can be made so many different ways that it's hard to get tired of them [not that I've tried extensively]. Just today for lunch I made fried eggs in our mini cast iron skilled. I cooked them with chipotle pepper flakes and allowed the yolks to cook until almost firm, where the center is just creamy enough to make the entire egg feel more like a decadence than a perfect package of 6 grams of protein per egg.

My little brother and I used to play Allison's Restaurant [his name was always Eric, I was always Allison, his beverage no matter what he asked for was always water, I always sang our restaurant theme song before he ordered....yes, I made up a theme song for our imaginary play. We also had a rap song when we cleaned out our rabbit's cage, you wish you thought of that, I know]; eggs would also be the one thing I could actually make if he asked me [besides your typical sandwich or crackers and cheese.

While Mom aka "Woman of the House" was out of town for a few weeks I was required to once again flex my culinary muscles and prepare the most delicious chicken dish, a stellar roasted pepper and tomato soup, and a quick nectarine crumble. Pictures included.

Something about 40 Clove [although mine had 42, I counted] Garlic Chicken is so comforting, so perfect for the coming of fall, that it was a cathartic experience, just listening to the chicken sizzle when it hit the hot pan put me at ease. Cooking requires all of your attention [no missing fingers or singed arms allowed please] so it allows any frustrations to melt away. And the great thing about cooking is that there is a sense of accomplishment once you've finished chopping, simmering, and stirring your trivial quandaries away...duh, dinner.

And with Halloween approaching I'll have an excuse to bake :)

Until again, stay hungry people.

Psalm 46:10: "Be Still and Know that I am God"

As the Calendar Turns

So much to talk about. It's nice knowing I still have things I can share.

Well, here it is everyone! Another month down on the calendar and nearing 6 months of employment for me. Woooohoo. Well, it pays the bills...you know, those doggone loans. Another month down and still unclear about how far this particular job will work out for me [being 'as needed' and all]. But that's not what I want to think nor talk about.

Being that the fall is approaching and college football season starting this weekend we're almost in full swing, preparing to put away our more summery looking attire and pull out the rakes and leaf blowers that sat collecting dust in the shed. More changing of the seasons.

Also, being that it IS the beginning of yet another month and the start of a new season I declared myself under a 'Get in Shape' Initiative. The initiative being to...be in shape. Now that the Y is open again [after cleaning] and we've returned from Nathan's graduation ceremony [which was lovely, thanks for asking] there's really no excuses to NOT get back into shape. And, in case you're wondering there are 84 days until Thanksgiving and 122 days until the end of the year. PLLLLENTY of time to get my butt back in gear [and maybe sitting up higher like it's supposed to]. If you are so inclined, I encourage you to join along, you know, since there's SO many people that read this [cough].

In other news, it's getting harder and harder to get up in the morning when it's nice and toasty in my bed and the sun has not yet risen. I have a feeling it's just going to keep getting harder, especially if there's snow falling as heavily as last winter. But we ARE NOT talking about snow just yet. There's still time to get my blood accustomed to temperatures less than 70.

More later [sylyb]

Is There a Warrior in That Mud?

I haven't posted in ages. I guess that's what happens when real life becomes more monotony than exciting new pieces of a journey I'm on.

Yep, things are still on the track of sleep, eat, work, exercise, play, sleep. Not that that's a bad thing, it's just how life is rolling these days.

But if I can be perfectly honest [as I always am on here] then I can safely say that my journey is just beginning [God willing]. My journey doesn't have to end here in my hometown, it doesn't have to end in my home state. I could be anywhere, I could do anything [granted it'll probably have to do with food....let's be honest], I could meet anyone. The possibilities are endless for me. I'm still young and I've got time to figure things out, time to make my path more defined.

In other news...

A few weeks ago I took part in the Warrior Dash - a muddy, stinky mess. I have to admit, that's the first time I've ever done freestyle in mud, yep, standing up it hit my upper thighs. And I was COVERED in goop, sneaking into ever opening in my clothes possible. I've never seen so much mud go down the drain in the shower, and it's never taken me so long to get the water to run clear from my hair. Well worth it, although not a super intense experience.

Hopefully, something more exciting at a later post.

The Moon and My Dad

Last night as I sit on the dock long after the sun went down on the lake I saw the moon surrounded by a halo of hazy light, and as I took out the dog to relieve herself before she went into her crate I again saw the moon [nearly full] flanked by the trees in our front yard and the yard across the street.

It got me to thinking about how Dad's always been interested in the universe, that great limitless amount of space that surrounds us and the mysteries that live outside our Earthly 'bubble'. From waking us up to take us to watch meteors in the middle of nowhere to recording program upon program discussing the infinite possibility of the galaxy and the universe we live in. I think it's rubbed off on me too; I'm fascinated by the stars, planets, and most especially the moon. I wouldn't say I'm a full blown nerd but I do watch those programs about the universe with Dad. The moon, in my opinion, is mesmerizing and I do not forget the importance it has for our fragile planet. But that's not really what I got on here to write about.

I am my father's daughter, but more importantly, I am a daddy's girl. The first time my dad left for New Mexico for two weeks with my older brothers I was sad to see him leave; I would miss him. He told me something that I, to this day, will never forget. "If you look at the moon, just know that I'm looking at it too and I'll be thinking of you."

And those my friends, are romantic words...in the father/daughter sense. For a thing to have such power, to be able to "connect" two people together. Knowing you're looking at something that someone else sees in nearly the same capacity as you.

Now of course, my dad didn't inform me that time zones play a part in this scenario but that starry look in my eyes may not have lasted and my vision of staying connected with my dad through space and time would not have had the same impact. But that's his style.It's better to leave things simply as my father so often has for me, letting me learn things in my own time. It's kind of his way of doing things. Of course, I haven't figured that out until recently and I had to learn lessons the long way, but all the better to learn from them.

Dad - I love you.

Running

Earlier this past week on my drive to work I passed a group of young teenagers running through the neighborhood. I came to the conclusion that they must be getting in shape for cross country season at the local high school. And it was in that moment that I remembered why I only ran cross country for one season...

Exercising, just like eating healthy, is about a good balance. If you do all or nothing and follow a plan to a 'T' that you cannot stand you are bound to fail. If you do something you love doing as your physical activity, if you eat healthy things you like and give yourself occasional rewards you will succeed. Running for me, is not something that can be maintained long term - it is not part of my lifestyle.

Anytime I see someone running I am in awe as to how they put themselves through such torture. Any running I do would have to be part of something else, chasing my nephew, playing with my dog, in essence, it goes unnoticed. I'm glad but dumbfounded that people enjoy it to the point that they continue to do it, that they transition from a leisurely walk to a full out run. If I really focus on the person running I loathe it more. That's right, I don't just dislike it, I loathe it. The only thing I found enjoyable about my season of cross country was the way my legs looked, tip top shape for sure.

When I see these young teens running I think about my own practices, how on colder days the air would burn in my chest as I tried to inhale too quickly. I remember how my shins would have shooting pains, the sharp pain in my side, the gasping for air I couldn't get quickly enough. I remember the sweat going down my back and over my eyelids, the urge to vomit on the course [which I did do once, unfortunately], and the feeling of knowing I had a 5K to run as I stood waiting at the starting line. I remember how my hair slowly fell out of my ponytail every time , stuck to my face, and how my cheeks would shake with the impact of each foot planting on the ground.

Now, I have to admit, I have since run a 5K, in fact, I'm set up to run another in August. But when there's a purpose to it, and when you have a friend that runs with you, it's not so bad. In short though, I'd have to say, that I'll likely continue running here and there sporadically for a purpose, with a mission, but I'll stick to swimming or biking for the cardio my muscles crave.

For those runners out there: continue on, I'm not envious but I am pleased to know that someone else likes to do this exercise.

Enjoying Today

Oh, so it's almost been a month. A blogging dry spell you ask? No, I've just been busy being exhausted after work.

I find that with the warmer weather [which I am LOVING by the way] the last thing I want to do is sit inside and purge my thoughts. I want to be out frolicking like a five year old. Being that as it may, I decided it's probably a good idea to get something on here, considering it's slightly chilly [70s] outside and I've already taken a walk with the dog.

Having taken my trip down to Oklahoma for a double wedding weekend and having come back with the tornadoes on our heels, I feel very fortunate to be sitting where I am safe and sound. We've had crazy weather these past six months but I've welcomed it for the most part. I think I am a content sort of person. I am content in the life that I am living at this moment, not thinking seriously about what the future will bring. If I simply live in today and do the best that I can tomorrow will take care of itself. The problems will come as they do but they will be manageable. I realize that this isn't some sort of epiphany, but it has taken me some time to fully grasp. I am a girl with her head in the clouds, dreaming up what the future mild hold [only the frivolous stuff of course].

Growing up, I was always thinking about the next step; content with now but always planning. What are we going to do tomorrow, what excitement is in store? I never cared about what was already planned for tomorrow, it was the possibility of what tomorrow could bring - the excitement and uncertainty all at once. I never hurried through life, never daydreaming away the present, but I live in the mindset of goals [still do]. Finding things to keep my attention forward, to never sit stagnant in what could have been. When you combine this forward thinking with a big picture state of mind big things can be extremely daunting. Life doesn't happen in big ways, it's the slow progression of how things shape over time - details.


It's the walk you're taking where all you can see it how far away the top of the hill seems. It's maybe getting side tracked thinking about what's ahead that you don't notice the wildflowers near the creek or the smell of honeysuckle in the air. Wait, there was a creek?

Having had some roadblocks on the path I am on today has shown me that big pictures are great for long term, but in my day to day, keeping sane requires a step by step approach. And yes, I realize I've mentioned this before in a previous post. Just like the journey we're all on now, we've still got learning and growing left to do. Yes, today I'm a very different person than I was when I entered high school, when I left it, when I finished college, and when I moved home after graduating with my masters. But in essence I'm the same person tweaking myself for the better [I hope] to become the person I was meant to be, to contribute in the best possible way. To be 'The Machine" - purpose, passion, drive. To know that at the end of my life these milestones will be remembered but, more importantly, moments will be cherished. The end, the goal - is just the final point. It's not the rich story on how you got there. And that story, that journey makes the end all the more sweet.

In other news, I've been savoring my weekends away from the hospital more and more as the summer weather lazily drifted in. It's spent on a ridiculous [awesome] road trips back to Oklahoma, lounging on the back porch, laughing until my cheeks hurt with family, lazy afternoons with the dog, long serious conversations with friends, and plans for a very full summer. Oh, and Posy Palooza, the best jam making session I've ever had!

Side note: This evening our full family of six will be together, a rarity I cherish each time it occurs. I love my parents and brothers terribly and being with them in whatever capacity possible is savored. It's especially savored when it doesn't revolve around anything in particular. Because those are the best days - those are the moments that are cherished, not the milestones that are marked.

Oh, and...my exercise routine is renewed today. No excuses, I have the Y membership to prove it.

The Vulnerability of Love

It's a terrifying thing to fall in love. And using the term falling seems so appropriate when you think about how scary it is to let yourself go, to trust, to show someone every piece of yourself, even the pieces you hide from everyone else.

The opening up of oneself, the vulnerability of letting love in is scary because we take the chance of being hurt. We take the chance of having to shut ourselves off again, to heal the wounds we've already licked before. But with time we learn that we will watch the scars we've acquired slowly fade. And we forget just how difficult it once was to let go because we know how liberating it is to take the chance and be swimming in the emotion.

Something about the lyrics of this song remind me of just that, which is probably why I instantly became attached to it, and why I know that one day I'll fall and I'll be caught and never let go.

Below: same song, two different videos. I like the first one. It's all lyrics to leave room for your own interpretation.

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