However You Say Cheers

With the holiday season under way I've got one thing to say:

"Negative Space" - the part that you're not

I'm excited!

.......and I'm nervous.                        

But I'm mostly excited about what's to come, the plans I've yet to make, the adventures I've yet to take. I've got the wheels in my head turning, and like any good bull dog I'm persistent. And I know that if I do right each and every day all those small things will add up and God will provide for me everything I need in this life.

I'm a work in progress, but even now, yes even now, I've got a lot to offer. So... salud. santé. sláinte. salute. cheers to that!

In other news, a random poem I like:

when the layers subside

and the fortune is empty

the pigment of our days 

will echo pure

and i will be nowhere

if not with you

-kylie johnson

Some Assembly Required

If I want to be a better person I have to do something about it.

 I recently returned form a trip to Cancun and had a very low moment of self loathing. I was back to real life, the job that I happily left behind for a week, the weather I did not miss, and the feeling that was always in the back of my mind - dissatisfaction. I had determined that my life was becoming stagnant and I was letting it.

I guess I've been dissatisfied in my impatience. Because, let's be honest, If I were being patient in the plan the Lord has for me I would not be distressed about where I am heading or how quickly I'll get there.

So in those low moments I made a mental list of all the things I wasn't happy about in my life and put the blame wherever else I could. It was a sad "woe is me" sort of story, one that might require any readers [cough, cricket cricket] to play the world's smallest violin for me. I guess next time I show up to my own pity party I'll just have to bring a better attitude to wake myself up to life. I have been lavishly blessed, and I hadn't spent enough time to say thank you.

Now, this is not to say that I have to sit back and make the best of what I've got going on. Far from it. It's like acknowledging my numerous blessings and gifts but only looking at them. Hello Mara, there is some assembly required. I guess now that I see them, now that I wallowed in my pity for a longer-than-necessary moment I've got to get the ball rolling, or if I'm keeping with the metaphor, put the pieces together and watch my work zoom around the room to show my gratitude for having all the pieces.

Yeah, that's it...I've just got to put some oomph into my life, get over myself and make the best of it. If I really want a change I have to make it happen and it's not going to bite me on the behind [even though that would be way more convenient, but if you know me well enough you know I'd always much prefer the words outright, subtlety is NOT my forte].

Funny enough, on a sort of related note, I also found an unusual bug bite from my return to the States...that happened to be on. my. behind. And...I just brought this topic from figurative to literal.....moving on, ha.

 So yes, the trip was lovely. Maybe I needed being away to get me back to the place that directs me where I want to be. And although I'm not satisfied now with where I am versus where want to be, that doesn't mean I won't be working toward it.

So while it's a little early for New Year's Resolutions, I have come up with a list of things that will help me on my journey and make me be a better Mara. Now, like all resolutions and best laid plans they are merely words until I finish them, so DO NOT HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE if I haven't finished them perfectly or exactly on time, I am after all a work in progress.

Okay, I'm done with the rant, here's the list:

10 Goals for 2012:

1. Pay off government loans from school by 06/30/13, but preferably 12/31/2012
2. Organize and declutter the whole house
3. Make a smock/apron
4. Set up a garden/herbs & compost
5. Date...ugh
6. Get fit and feel healthy which should tie in nicely with #7
     -As always, drink more water
     -Workout routine with staying power to get my Body Fat % down by 6%
     -Purge the junk food and bring on the 8-10 servings of fruits and vegetables
7. Make my appearance match how I feel i.e put forth some effort
8. Plan a trip [preferably including Jessica as my travel partner]
9. Be more satisfied with work/job
10. Learn Espanol, because I've got the means.

I think the real task here is going to be managing my time and money properly, because if I can do that I'll be set. Trust me, I know how to waste time with the best of them. You always make times for the things that you feel are a priority, it's just deciding that these things are worth my time.

I'm not really a fan of New Year's; it's kind of a sad sort of night. You are literally leaving everything behind, but I'm hoping if I'm on the up and up it won't much matter that I almost closed the year on a sour note. Why should I end on a sour note, I'm young and I've got things ahead of me? Besides, it's the mentality on what you make of it...and I'm giving myself a swift kick in the pants and changing my mentality. I've got no reason not to enter this holiday season with the highest of spirits.

In other news, Jessica, thank you for inviting me on a much needed trip. It was exactly what the dietitian ordered [mylyb]

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” ~ Lao Tzu

My Own Words of Wisdom...To Myself

Where your uncertainty of prayer ends is where your faith must begin.

A poem I wrote to myself a few years back:

Girl, do you really want to cry yourself to sleep another night?
Do you really want to relive that sorry hopeless fight?
It was a battle you knew you'd never win,
And here you go thinking about it again.
Things will turn out just as they're planned you know.
You can work out the details but end up too slow.
Aren't you satisfied with how things turned out so far?
Can you really see yourself with him and endure another spar?
Don't pull out those memories, don't dust off that shelf.
Makes plans for once, thinking only of yourself.
You deserve a day in the sunshine, to be happy once more.
Forget about conversations, leave them all at the door.
Bust open the windows, let the stuffy air out.
Pull apart the drapes and push off his clout.
You are your own person, singular, free, not owned by a man.
You start your own stories, you live your own dream, you can.
So shake off the cobwebs and pull out a dress.
Think not of tomorrow, tomorrow won't press.
Live for this moment, bare teeth and let your hair out.
Get over the sadness, and stop with your pout.
You're doing the best that you can.
God, himself has already figured your plan.
Succumb to the path He set out for you.
You'll have no trouble to do what you were born to do.

"You make plans. God laughs"

Eggs

Yes, I said it. Eggs.


My love for nutrition did not start out simply by wanting to eat well, well in the sense that it is healthy. My love for nutrition started out by wanting to eat well, as in good, as in enjoyably.

There is such a sense of joy that can be found in food. It is a basic necessity that can be simple or extravagant, sheer art or calculated chemistry. No, I guess it's not an either/or scenario: it's both, it's all of the above, it's always.

And yet, cooking can be a chore. And it sometimes is, as much as I love it I also dread it, which is why our country is a world of instant gratification and drive thru windows. We're lazy. Let's just leave it at that.

Cooking for me is what started off my love for food. As time went on I became more interested in what went into this food. It has such power to bring families together and draw friends closer. Most social events revolve around food and drink of some sort. It is, as I said before, a basic need that is also a pleasure.

I remember that eggs were the first thing I learned to cook when I was old enough to reach over the counter without burning myself. They were the first thing I didn't have to ask Mom for help doing. They were quick, tasty, and filling. Even now, on days when nothing else seems to sound enticing eggs always do. They can be made so many different ways that it's hard to get tired of them [not that I've tried extensively]. Just today for lunch I made fried eggs in our mini cast iron skilled. I cooked them with chipotle pepper flakes and allowed the yolks to cook until almost firm, where the center is just creamy enough to make the entire egg feel more like a decadence than a perfect package of 6 grams of protein per egg.

My little brother and I used to play Allison's Restaurant [his name was always Eric, I was always Allison, his beverage no matter what he asked for was always water, I always sang our restaurant theme song before he ordered....yes, I made up a theme song for our imaginary play. We also had a rap song when we cleaned out our rabbit's cage, you wish you thought of that, I know]; eggs would also be the one thing I could actually make if he asked me [besides your typical sandwich or crackers and cheese.

While Mom aka "Woman of the House" was out of town for a few weeks I was required to once again flex my culinary muscles and prepare the most delicious chicken dish, a stellar roasted pepper and tomato soup, and a quick nectarine crumble. Pictures included.

Something about 40 Clove [although mine had 42, I counted] Garlic Chicken is so comforting, so perfect for the coming of fall, that it was a cathartic experience, just listening to the chicken sizzle when it hit the hot pan put me at ease. Cooking requires all of your attention [no missing fingers or singed arms allowed please] so it allows any frustrations to melt away. And the great thing about cooking is that there is a sense of accomplishment once you've finished chopping, simmering, and stirring your trivial quandaries away...duh, dinner.

And with Halloween approaching I'll have an excuse to bake :)

Until again, stay hungry people.

Psalm 46:10: "Be Still and Know that I am God"

As the Calendar Turns

So much to talk about. It's nice knowing I still have things I can share.

Well, here it is everyone! Another month down on the calendar and nearing 6 months of employment for me. Woooohoo. Well, it pays the bills...you know, those doggone loans. Another month down and still unclear about how far this particular job will work out for me [being 'as needed' and all]. But that's not what I want to think nor talk about.

Being that the fall is approaching and college football season starting this weekend we're almost in full swing, preparing to put away our more summery looking attire and pull out the rakes and leaf blowers that sat collecting dust in the shed. More changing of the seasons.

Also, being that it IS the beginning of yet another month and the start of a new season I declared myself under a 'Get in Shape' Initiative. The initiative being to...be in shape. Now that the Y is open again [after cleaning] and we've returned from Nathan's graduation ceremony [which was lovely, thanks for asking] there's really no excuses to NOT get back into shape. And, in case you're wondering there are 84 days until Thanksgiving and 122 days until the end of the year. PLLLLENTY of time to get my butt back in gear [and maybe sitting up higher like it's supposed to]. If you are so inclined, I encourage you to join along, you know, since there's SO many people that read this [cough].

In other news, it's getting harder and harder to get up in the morning when it's nice and toasty in my bed and the sun has not yet risen. I have a feeling it's just going to keep getting harder, especially if there's snow falling as heavily as last winter. But we ARE NOT talking about snow just yet. There's still time to get my blood accustomed to temperatures less than 70.

More later [sylyb]

Is There a Warrior in That Mud?

I haven't posted in ages. I guess that's what happens when real life becomes more monotony than exciting new pieces of a journey I'm on.

Yep, things are still on the track of sleep, eat, work, exercise, play, sleep. Not that that's a bad thing, it's just how life is rolling these days.

But if I can be perfectly honest [as I always am on here] then I can safely say that my journey is just beginning [God willing]. My journey doesn't have to end here in my hometown, it doesn't have to end in my home state. I could be anywhere, I could do anything [granted it'll probably have to do with food....let's be honest], I could meet anyone. The possibilities are endless for me. I'm still young and I've got time to figure things out, time to make my path more defined.

In other news...

A few weeks ago I took part in the Warrior Dash - a muddy, stinky mess. I have to admit, that's the first time I've ever done freestyle in mud, yep, standing up it hit my upper thighs. And I was COVERED in goop, sneaking into ever opening in my clothes possible. I've never seen so much mud go down the drain in the shower, and it's never taken me so long to get the water to run clear from my hair. Well worth it, although not a super intense experience.

Hopefully, something more exciting at a later post.

The Moon and My Dad

Last night as I sit on the dock long after the sun went down on the lake I saw the moon surrounded by a halo of hazy light, and as I took out the dog to relieve herself before she went into her crate I again saw the moon [nearly full] flanked by the trees in our front yard and the yard across the street.

It got me to thinking about how Dad's always been interested in the universe, that great limitless amount of space that surrounds us and the mysteries that live outside our Earthly 'bubble'. From waking us up to take us to watch meteors in the middle of nowhere to recording program upon program discussing the infinite possibility of the galaxy and the universe we live in. I think it's rubbed off on me too; I'm fascinated by the stars, planets, and most especially the moon. I wouldn't say I'm a full blown nerd but I do watch those programs about the universe with Dad. The moon, in my opinion, is mesmerizing and I do not forget the importance it has for our fragile planet. But that's not really what I got on here to write about.

I am my father's daughter, but more importantly, I am a daddy's girl. The first time my dad left for New Mexico for two weeks with my older brothers I was sad to see him leave; I would miss him. He told me something that I, to this day, will never forget. "If you look at the moon, just know that I'm looking at it too and I'll be thinking of you."

And those my friends, are romantic words...in the father/daughter sense. For a thing to have such power, to be able to "connect" two people together. Knowing you're looking at something that someone else sees in nearly the same capacity as you.

Now of course, my dad didn't inform me that time zones play a part in this scenario but that starry look in my eyes may not have lasted and my vision of staying connected with my dad through space and time would not have had the same impact. But that's his style.It's better to leave things simply as my father so often has for me, letting me learn things in my own time. It's kind of his way of doing things. Of course, I haven't figured that out until recently and I had to learn lessons the long way, but all the better to learn from them.

Dad - I love you.

Running

Earlier this past week on my drive to work I passed a group of young teenagers running through the neighborhood. I came to the conclusion that they must be getting in shape for cross country season at the local high school. And it was in that moment that I remembered why I only ran cross country for one season...

Exercising, just like eating healthy, is about a good balance. If you do all or nothing and follow a plan to a 'T' that you cannot stand you are bound to fail. If you do something you love doing as your physical activity, if you eat healthy things you like and give yourself occasional rewards you will succeed. Running for me, is not something that can be maintained long term - it is not part of my lifestyle.

Anytime I see someone running I am in awe as to how they put themselves through such torture. Any running I do would have to be part of something else, chasing my nephew, playing with my dog, in essence, it goes unnoticed. I'm glad but dumbfounded that people enjoy it to the point that they continue to do it, that they transition from a leisurely walk to a full out run. If I really focus on the person running I loathe it more. That's right, I don't just dislike it, I loathe it. The only thing I found enjoyable about my season of cross country was the way my legs looked, tip top shape for sure.

When I see these young teens running I think about my own practices, how on colder days the air would burn in my chest as I tried to inhale too quickly. I remember how my shins would have shooting pains, the sharp pain in my side, the gasping for air I couldn't get quickly enough. I remember the sweat going down my back and over my eyelids, the urge to vomit on the course [which I did do once, unfortunately], and the feeling of knowing I had a 5K to run as I stood waiting at the starting line. I remember how my hair slowly fell out of my ponytail every time , stuck to my face, and how my cheeks would shake with the impact of each foot planting on the ground.

Now, I have to admit, I have since run a 5K, in fact, I'm set up to run another in August. But when there's a purpose to it, and when you have a friend that runs with you, it's not so bad. In short though, I'd have to say, that I'll likely continue running here and there sporadically for a purpose, with a mission, but I'll stick to swimming or biking for the cardio my muscles crave.

For those runners out there: continue on, I'm not envious but I am pleased to know that someone else likes to do this exercise.

Enjoying Today

Oh, so it's almost been a month. A blogging dry spell you ask? No, I've just been busy being exhausted after work.

I find that with the warmer weather [which I am LOVING by the way] the last thing I want to do is sit inside and purge my thoughts. I want to be out frolicking like a five year old. Being that as it may, I decided it's probably a good idea to get something on here, considering it's slightly chilly [70s] outside and I've already taken a walk with the dog.

Having taken my trip down to Oklahoma for a double wedding weekend and having come back with the tornadoes on our heels, I feel very fortunate to be sitting where I am safe and sound. We've had crazy weather these past six months but I've welcomed it for the most part. I think I am a content sort of person. I am content in the life that I am living at this moment, not thinking seriously about what the future will bring. If I simply live in today and do the best that I can tomorrow will take care of itself. The problems will come as they do but they will be manageable. I realize that this isn't some sort of epiphany, but it has taken me some time to fully grasp. I am a girl with her head in the clouds, dreaming up what the future mild hold [only the frivolous stuff of course].

Growing up, I was always thinking about the next step; content with now but always planning. What are we going to do tomorrow, what excitement is in store? I never cared about what was already planned for tomorrow, it was the possibility of what tomorrow could bring - the excitement and uncertainty all at once. I never hurried through life, never daydreaming away the present, but I live in the mindset of goals [still do]. Finding things to keep my attention forward, to never sit stagnant in what could have been. When you combine this forward thinking with a big picture state of mind big things can be extremely daunting. Life doesn't happen in big ways, it's the slow progression of how things shape over time - details.


It's the walk you're taking where all you can see it how far away the top of the hill seems. It's maybe getting side tracked thinking about what's ahead that you don't notice the wildflowers near the creek or the smell of honeysuckle in the air. Wait, there was a creek?

Having had some roadblocks on the path I am on today has shown me that big pictures are great for long term, but in my day to day, keeping sane requires a step by step approach. And yes, I realize I've mentioned this before in a previous post. Just like the journey we're all on now, we've still got learning and growing left to do. Yes, today I'm a very different person than I was when I entered high school, when I left it, when I finished college, and when I moved home after graduating with my masters. But in essence I'm the same person tweaking myself for the better [I hope] to become the person I was meant to be, to contribute in the best possible way. To be 'The Machine" - purpose, passion, drive. To know that at the end of my life these milestones will be remembered but, more importantly, moments will be cherished. The end, the goal - is just the final point. It's not the rich story on how you got there. And that story, that journey makes the end all the more sweet.

In other news, I've been savoring my weekends away from the hospital more and more as the summer weather lazily drifted in. It's spent on a ridiculous [awesome] road trips back to Oklahoma, lounging on the back porch, laughing until my cheeks hurt with family, lazy afternoons with the dog, long serious conversations with friends, and plans for a very full summer. Oh, and Posy Palooza, the best jam making session I've ever had!

Side note: This evening our full family of six will be together, a rarity I cherish each time it occurs. I love my parents and brothers terribly and being with them in whatever capacity possible is savored. It's especially savored when it doesn't revolve around anything in particular. Because those are the best days - those are the moments that are cherished, not the milestones that are marked.

Oh, and...my exercise routine is renewed today. No excuses, I have the Y membership to prove it.

The Vulnerability of Love

It's a terrifying thing to fall in love. And using the term falling seems so appropriate when you think about how scary it is to let yourself go, to trust, to show someone every piece of yourself, even the pieces you hide from everyone else.

The opening up of oneself, the vulnerability of letting love in is scary because we take the chance of being hurt. We take the chance of having to shut ourselves off again, to heal the wounds we've already licked before. But with time we learn that we will watch the scars we've acquired slowly fade. And we forget just how difficult it once was to let go because we know how liberating it is to take the chance and be swimming in the emotion.

Something about the lyrics of this song remind me of just that, which is probably why I instantly became attached to it, and why I know that one day I'll fall and I'll be caught and never let go.

Below: same song, two different videos. I like the first one. It's all lyrics to leave room for your own interpretation.

or

Roses or Wildflowers?

My middle name may be Rose but I feel very much at times like a wildflower. Imperfect, drifting, basking in the sun waiting for the world around me to move; to feel my petals shift in the breeze.

Not so much that I'm waiting on life to lead me in a certain direction, but rather I'm remaining calm while my heart searches for my plan of action, the place in which I will do my best work. The path to travel, the road to take...

Patiently [mostly...other times not so much] I'm waiting for the moment and working to make the best of this one.

In other news, warm fuzzies abound:
1. Pride in my high school, a place to always call home. Despite being glad to never return to high school I will always be glad my parents sent me there.
2. Joy in my extended family, who never ceases to amaze me. They are awesome.
3. Awe in the beauty of the world around me as I see it escape from the cold shell of winter, especially in the early morning fog and sunrise.
4. Love for my nephew, who gave me one of the best compliments a person can receive, whispering "You look very pretty, I like your dress." And further tugged at my heart strings by holding my hand, 'sending me hearts,' and making me promise to sit next to him at dinner. Guys should take note, an innocent compliment without strings attached is by far the best kind.
5. My parents and my brothers are amazing.

Hope everyone had a nice Mother's Day.

I see God and He likes colors

The Mountain from Terje Sorgjerd on Vimeo.

The Aurora from TSO Photography on Vimeo.

The Arctic Light from TSO Photography on Vimeo.

Food for the Soul

The house smells like leeks, butter, and garlic: a truly winning combination. Against my better judgment I agreed to eat potato soup [cream based of course] and lobster ravioli [with a french heavy cream sauce]. If smelling things alone could cause calorie gain [it can't right? ha;)] I would be in trouble. Of course, the atmosphere inside the house pairs well with world outside. It has been raining the majority of April. April showers bring May flowers...This weekend has been no exception. The occasional sound of thunder in the distance plays background music to what will soon be a warm meal in my stomach. It's not yet hot out, although the humidity makes it feel slightly warmer; on days like these soup is still something to be savored under a blanket...in a mug...with a good book.

Finally flowers and green, and life. Being that this is the Easter weekend I am no longer the only child in the house. Michael's come home and it's good to feel like I have siblings; no, the other two are unable to be home but I will never envy or create a one child family if I can help it. Siblings are a wonderful gift.

Last night we went to church to watch a reenactment of the Stations. My favorite thing about the church we attend here in town is the stained glass window above the altar. I find myself staring at it a lot of times; Jesus hanging his head up there on the cross with a handful of people watching, staring in grief and disbelief. 'He is gone' they must think, 'that's it, what are we to do without him?' He has died, but we know that he will rise again....tomorrow. As if it were just a story someone wrote, you assume that's the last chapter, THE END, but you realize there are still more chapters to go, and always will be if we carry our faith on.

Being that it was an evening service the natural light from outside dimmed as the minutes passed and the image of Jesus grew less and less brilliant. Tomorrow that image will simply be a reminder of what we celebrate next year. Last night however the image made me stop and think about something that I had not thought of before: in that brief moment after everything Jesus endured those days leading up to his crucifixion he had nothing left to offer, he had done his job. I could imagine a sense of relief and release in those final moments of his life. It must have felt great to know he had accomplished what he had set out to do, had done all the work of his father. I want that feeling too in my final moments, a sense of calm and peace, not resignation, but relief, maybe even joy.

To all of those celebrating: Have a very Happy Easter with your loved ones!

Vegetarians Eat At Panera

Okay, well maybe they all don't, but it's a great tag line either way.

It is one of those days. The sun is shining, the grass is green. There are buds on trees and flowers beginning to bloom. It is one of those days. And it's warm, it's finally warm. Where I want to be outside and play in the backyard on the swing set I don't have. One. Of. Those. Days.

Sophie's been scanning for squirrels a better portion of the day. Yesterday was a doozy so she was in and out of her kennel most of the day. But that's what happens when you work a weekend. I'm pretty sure she still loves me, she's laying at my side as I type, that's a good sign right?

Yes, yesterday was crazy, nonstop, and not my idea of a relaxing Saturday but sometimes there are just those days. Like I said before, today is better though, it is one of those days. It's a good feeling sort of day.

But I'm not on here to talk about the dog or the day. I'm here to talk about food. Yeah, what's new, right?

Friday night, being that it is Lent and I was 'fending for myself' I went to Panera for dinner. There is a sandwich there that I'm pretty sure could turn me on to the idea of being vegetarian. Of course, I could never actually turn vegetarian, I enjoy animal protein far too much. What I am saying is that I'm STILL thinking about this sandwich and I had it two days ago, and most times when I'm craving vegetables [yeah, I do that when I've been eating less than stellar] I think about this sandwich. And even when I'm eating really well I still think about this sandwich. It's my happy excuse to go to Panera on a Friday during Lent.

If you've never had the Mediterranean Veggie Sandwich, especially with a side of soup, you're missing out. It's this crazy good combination of peppers, feta cheese, cucumbers, lettuce, tomatoes, onions and cilantro jalapeño hummus on a chewy tomato basil bread [and yeah, I basically copied and pasted that from their website]. Okay, but seriously, you don't even miss the meat. It's so good without it. The tomatoes drip, and the bread has this incredible chew, and the hummus has this quality that manages to help keep the feta in place....or maybe it's all the stuff they manage to cram into the sandwich in general.

Anyway, I think I'm trying to make the point that if that sandwich was the only thing on the menu that I liked, I would still frequent the restaurant more often than not. Truth be told though, there isn't much on that menu that I don't salivate over. And these are a dietitian's words you're reading.

And since we're on the topic of food I should also mention for breakfast, no my mid-morning snack, I ate an entire pint of strawberries. And for my mid-afternoon snack I ate a Pay Day [which, may I begin by saying should never have been in the house] and then a bowl of roasted peppers. I'm going to say I'm having some strange cravings lately.

Hmmm....I am quirky, but at least I've sort of turned this passion into my day job.

Go. Far. Far Away.

Something about this video is romantic and adventurous. And it has nothing to do with Ford and everything to do with living life for the little things, for the open road.

Maps and Guideposts

Much news to tell:

Having been officially offered a position for a Clinical Dietitian here in town I find that I won't be moving on just yet. Another step in some unknown direction, but moving and with my career in place.

Unfortunately, it seems that my email address is a bit too difficult to read and therefore my RD number and requested payment fee never were sent to me correctly and therefore without that number and payment made I cannot be licensed in the state. Not being licensed means I'm not legally allowed to work in the state. Registration is national, licenses are state wide.

I don't know quite where I'm going with things but working in a clinical setting is an excellent place to gain a proper foundation for whatever it is I decide I'd like to do - an open Health and Wellness coach RD job sounds right up my alley...you know, except for the fact that it's in Chicago and I could hardly even afford to live in Oklahoma [baby steps shall be employed to wherever I'll eventually be. That and living in Chicago seems a teeny bit daunting...okay, more than a teeny bit].

I have my sights set on culinary school or exercise credentials. I'm leaning toward the latter of the two... eventually [again, baby steps]. Eventually I'd like to be writing for magazines and helping people see the benefit of being healthy and how that sets other things in motion. Think about this: consuming less meat [no, I'm not asking people to turn vegetarian] means less grain or grass [which is better for them anyway] is fed to the animals = more grain for other uses. Eating non-processed foods means reducing waste created from packaging. Supporting farmers markets means helping your community and reducing travel time for food from coast to coast [those silly high gas prices and it just tastes so fresh]. Less bills to the hospital if you're visiting less - prevention is key. More exercise means happier and more sound minds. Annnd I'm done going off on my tangent. Back to the topic on hand.

Sometimes, it seems, we are walking this journey alone. Sure we have our loved ones encouraging us along the way and sure God lives in them to inspire and keep our hope but...Even with all their support we ultimately make our own decisions, the best we can do with every opportunity we can. As these opportunities build into changes and develop into what your life has become you learn that each step along the way impacts us. Like the weak people that we can sometimes be we find that being alone and making these decisions has no direction. But when we pray for and muster up the faith to trust in the plan set before us we know better.

God gave us the ability to choose. Free will gives us power over our lives and responsibility. I'm not really a want-to-have-control type so this free will can be a bit upsetting with big decisions. If we were just given a life outline, a map, an expert, to show us the next step this would be SO much easier. But life doesn't work that way, now does it?

And of course, hindsight shows us there were guidelines all along. Because I didn't get an internship right off the bat I ended up getting my masters in Oklahoma [something I never anticipated doing, a plan I'm sure is still in motion]. Guideposts placed for our benefit that help keep us on the path as long as we are open to the plan that God wants.

But again, these are guideposts, not signs. Too often we ask God for signs as to what our next decision should be. He does give them, I do not doubt it, but He also knows that no matter the sign, if we choose to see it, will be interpreted in our own way to make our own decisions. Maybe that's why I like to ask for really obvious signs when I'm feeling at my weakest. If you just give me a sign that this is right for me I promise I'll... Oh the bargaining, I remember doing that when I was younger. Many times these were silly prayers that if answered would have been leaving me in charge, not trusting that God had the right plan. And I must say praying for toys or a dog is quite self serving no matter the 'logic' I liked to send up. Unanswered prayers should really be another topic however.

When we look back we see guideposts as markers that our path is going in the right direction or that we've gotten back on track if we were not. I'm just trying to do the best I can and lead the life that He wants me to lead with every decision I make. I've got a long way to go. But then again, this is a journey and our vocations are evolving parts that lead us to our final hopeful destination. It's the people that assist us and that we assist on the way that matter. That's probably another post too though.

In other news [cough, always] we returned from Florida and had a lovely time. Ahh, the perks of being unemployed [well, I was at the time at least] with parents that love me enough to tote me along: sun, sand, shells, seafood, sleep. It was awesome. We'll be feeling Spring coming soon. I just know it. And the awakening of the world is another gift from God that all things work as a cycle - Remember you are dust and to dust you shall return. Just throwing in that Lenten business for good measure.

sylyb.

In Memory

It's been 4 years now. Four years and what seems like ages ago and yet I can still remember the details of the day like it was yesterday.

We were woken up by the phone ringing in the dorm room. It was nearly spring break and I remember being frustrated that someone would call so early to wake us up. Looking back now I wish I hadn't been. "Why would someone call this early, they should know we're still in bed."

We groggily turned on the TV in disbelief. It didn't matter which channel you turned to, it was all about the accident. Of course, our immediate thoughts went to the members of the team. Who was hurt? Was anyone seriously injured; heaven forbid someone had been killed? We strained to watch the same reports over and over again, searching for faces we recognized and wondering how badly they had been injured.

Of course, my memory is not dissimilar from most everyone else, and I know it was hard for those closest to the seven individuals that passed away; not right, not fair. At least we can be thankful that the majority of the individuals on the bus are able to say they survived, however scarred their bodies or memories be.

Having just gone through Atlanta I watched as the HOV lanes break off and other lanes are the left side off ramps. You can't help but think about the Why's and What if's.

What made the whole thing more surreal at the time was the coverage about this little school. Everyone knew about Bluffton. Of course, time heals the wounds and people forget or they've never heard of it at all. And being that this is the fourth anniversary this is the first group of students that were not present to relate best to the accident. To them, perhaps, the memorial are just a grouping of hand prints in concrete. For those of us that witnessed it to the greatest extent, those hands represent much more, they are the living reminders of life and the value of living. Those hands represent lessons we learn and the impact one event can have on our lives in different ways.

And so as the years roll by I'll continue to keep my box of trinkets, newspaper and magazine clippings with me about the accident, about the players, about Bluffton, so as not to forget that life is so very precious and Bluffton University [especially those in the accident] learned it a very profound way.

My prayers and thoughts rest especially with you today boys.

Thawing Out

I knew this warm spell was just a taste of the coming Spring season, but of course, a taste is just a tease. And for that short period of time the sun was out, the sky was blue, and birds were actually chirping. But of course, again, that thawing out process will not come fully for a little longer. I know this because there is currently a layer of ice on the drive way and it has been freezing rain the majority of the day.

Now, to be sure, I admitted in my last post that I do, in fact, love the snow. I am not retracting that statement. It's just so unfortunate that the pretty white snow doesn't stay as long as the gray winter season, and in my honest opinion the winter drags on a bit too long, especially near the end. Let's face it, January is a long month...loooooong month. And now, because I got the glimpse of something warm and gloves/scarf/coat free I'm ready to welcome it in for some time.

It's as if the world comes out of a complete hibernation. The sun melts the snow, squirrels [much to Sophie's chagrin] begin moving about, the smell of damp timber being heated by the sun is a tell tale sign for me that changes are approaching. The winter overall is a sluggish period, the nighttime is very quiet - no wind to grab noises and shift trees about, not very often at least.

Anyway, romanticizing about the spring...off on a banter. And so, in other news [as there always is] my Study-Lock-Down has been completed. I took and passed my boards exam. I am official people. Now if I could just find a job I like. But that's the kicker isn't it?

So in the spirit of adding a few more initials after my name I plan on making my favorite cake. It's something like the winter thawing out into the spring. Buttermilk cake, it's dense and yet fresh and tastes light. The hint of lemon and orange in it make the entire cake wake your mouth up, much like coming in after a stroll outside in the cold - stripping off layers upon layers. It's the sunshine melting the icicles and showing the green grass below that's been waiting to return in all it's glory. And that will just lead to more smells - fresh cut grass, water fresh from the sprinklers, moist dirt ready for planting. But I suppose that post will just have to wait.

I'll post pictures as soon as the cake is made, of course the pictures can't do justice to the taste.

sylyb

This Post Has No Point Really

Oh life, it is what it is. Please insert any other standard sayings you hear at this moment in time; they're probably all fitting.

So I'm freezing, yes, it's anticipated to be the chilliest night on record here this winter and although I still love waking up to new snow fall [as I did this morning -- anything is better than gray skies and brown earth with nothing to enhance the mood -- cue mood music please] but I'd really prefer a late spring day right about now.

Winter time is so great for bundling up and not caring about the clothes you wear, or the state of your hair for that matter; sloshy boots and gobs of layers, over-sized sweatshirts you acquired from your brother [hey, he said it was too small for him anyway]...the list goes on. It's all about the hot tea and warm soup [please click ME for a great recipe we tried recently]. Look at me, getting started on food...what's new?

Anyway, snow fall really does make me feel like a kid, although it'd be better if Michael were home to play with me, but alas even little brothers go to college too. I digress. I was the type that played in the back yard because I liked to keep the front yard pristine so it would look pretty, putting as few footprints in it as possible, even backtracking to minimize my impact [sounds like my idea on recycling and being green now that I think about it]. But I was also the kid that spent a little too much time outside coming in covered in snow with burnt red skin under the layers of winter gear Mom could shove over my arms. Thank goodness hot cocoa fixes all numbing winter ailments.

Yes, I love the snow. I really really do. But my closet is full of clothes that haven't been worn since it was warm enough for my kneecaps to show and NOT shiver. Tank tops, dresses, shorts, they're all itching to get out. Well, I devised a plan, which I'm going to talk with the Big Guy about tonight [mostly in jest of course, but maybe with a hint of sad puppy eyes for good measure]...
Okay, so the plan -- we have twelve months, we have four seasons, and if I did my math correctly that's three months per season. I'm going to assume that winter should last strictly from December through the end of February. I'll use the ole 'In like a Lion' bit if necessary. But that also means it should still be slightly warm until December 1st, I like mild falls, what can I say? It's the transition period that kills me.

And so, in closing...wow was I lengthy...this post has no point really. I'm just happy I'm doing something besides studying or thinking about studying or agonizing over it. I think I'm doing it now.

sylyb

P.S. I have a interview for a job tomorrow, please say some prayers!

Love Story

The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.

Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.

Mevlana Jelaluddin Rumi

Thanks to Dani and Hannah for sending me this, a romantic at heart, I took to it!

Studying, WAIT no, NOT studying

I sat down this fine evening after a quick snack to catch up on my [very] behind studies for my exam. I put off studying long enough last week that eventually, although still not 100% finished yet, my room was organized. After having finished my last day teaching nutrition today to the freshmen health class I find that there is no longer a single excuse for me not to study. And so...

I began to study, cuddled up in a comfortable spot, notebook in hand, pen and flashcards at my side. I began to study and my eyelids began to get heavy. I began to doze off. And that brings us to this moment where instead of studying more I decided to treat my heavy eyelids with more snacks to munch on. I must tell you I have devised a sort of "RD approved detox*." It is rather unfortunate that I must even put myself on one of these. But I have to give at least one good excuse for why it is necessary. Okay, here goes. It's winter: there's a blanket of snow on the ground and the temperature has not gone above 30 degrees [besides that 32 degree heat wave last week] in quite some time.

Okay, so what does one do then when it's winter, snowy, and cold? Well, obviously you find a beach to relax on. Oh wait, I don't have money and am still searching for work. Scratch that idea.....EAT! Eat donuts, cookies, ice cream, fudge bars, concoctions of whipped cream and bananas with chocolate sauce. And you can't blame PMS for the entire winter as to why you eat every sweet in sight.

But wait, that's not all. If sweets weren't enough of the problem you have to factor in all those salty savory foods - sourdough pretzels and midnight popcorn creations.

Now, I could be exaggerating on about this, I do mean to say that I think about the food that goes in my system for the most part. You can blame that on my vast nutrition knowledge and anticipated letters behind my name...but still. The truth of the matter is the more we eat it the more we crave it and so I've determined that I will get the cravings out of my system and hopefully acquire some motivational energy in the process.

Until then, as it is the first full finished day of the process I have curbed my cravings with Triscuits, oranges, and nearly half a bag of grapes. Oh me, this too shall pass.

And in the meantime, would you all send up some prayers that my motivation to study and the information I'm looking over sticks in my brain. I need all the prayers I can get.

sylyb

*FYI, my 'detox' includes cutting the sweets, decreasing the sodium, and increasing the water. And as any nutritionally aware individual knows keeping the above 'detox' in line with whole grain, fruits & vegetables, lean protein, and low fat dairy creates a pretty perfect diet.

A Near Snap

Oh no! It's starting to wear on me, the unemployed graduate. I've had the fortune of not requiring to search for a job in these times of high unemployment rates. I was able to put it off just long enough. But no more.

Jobs have been relatively easy for me to come by. When you know a guy [or rather, are good friends with the owner's daughter] it's easy to get a job at Dairy Queen. When you don't play a sport every season they like hiring you on at the dry-cleaner's where they know you'll be able to work most afternoons and Saturdays. And then there's the job they created for me because I knew someone who worked there. Eventually though, this 'luck' too, must pass.

And so, as the studying continues and the days roll by without any job prospects [or at least ones that have a returned interest] I get a little more worried about my future at hand. Where am I being called to work? I need a job [any job] to start making loan payments, but are these jobs going to lead me to my intended location? Patience, Self, you'll get there. Just do the best you can as the days come. I wish this positive self talk was that easy.

Until then I just have to breathe, breathe, breathe. But despite this the stress still continues to build and the anxiety increases. I blame it on my impending BIGGEST-EXAM-EVER, messy room, murky future [where will I be in a few month's time?], you know life altering things. And as Mom quickly noticed exercise is essential to my sanity and without a wellness center to visit the treadmill is my only safe haven [what with the rain and snow outside]. And so, in the accompaniment of my trusty side kick [Sophie] off I walked with my study material in hand and my tennis shoes on.

Getting One's Act Together

I am notorious for being, well, slow. I will be the first to admit to...anyone really that I have one speed - my own. I am not a punctual individual [although I wish I could say that I was getting better].

So, being that I am now a well educated but poor and unemployed person I am happily sleeping in most mornings. What with the weather being a beautiful winter wonderland and a snow day keeping me from teaching nutrition to my ever enthusiastic [cough* not] freshmen class I am sitting at home thinking about my numerous accomplishments yesterday.

I mean that quite honestly. I have been avoiding doing anything [as I often times do] to further my step into the real world. You mean, if I apply for jobs I actually have to get one? You mean, if I register for the exam I have to eventually take it? Yes, yes. I am working on entering the work force. Being young is just so much easier.

So yesterday I adjusted my resume. Ahh yes, the resume of young graduate. A resume that contains all the workings of a student just trying to make enough money to get by - caterer, grill cook, dish room staff, custodian, RD assistant, free labor - oh wait, I'm sorry - intern, etc etc

From the resume adjustment to the frustration of applying for a job [although I can't complain too much, online applications are MUCH easier than the archaic paper versions]. And finally, the mother of all tasks, organizing how I'll be studying for the biggest test in the entirety of my existence.

And still - my room, being the disaster area that it is still requires some...okay, A LOT, of finessing to reach optimal organization. If I didn't master the art of packratism [that's a word, right?] it wouldn't take me near as long. I know how to put mementos inside of tins inside of boxes within compartments. No wonder I want to procrastinate on finishing it and no wonder it has taken several man hours to get to the state of disarray it is in right now. No matter, I've got NOTHING but time...well until the government decides they really do want that loan money back that they lent me.

New Snowfall

It's been awhile since I've posted on here but with the holiday season here and now gone, visitors no longer staying over, and Michael back at school I really have no excuse. So for the first time....ever! I am an only child. The house is quiet and meal times are far less boisterous.

I love the sound of snow crunching together under my feet. Most times I like to take a path when I walk through it and then retrace my steps so as not to ruin the perfect blanket that is laid down. Having an indecisive dog that doesn't know where she wants to 'go' kind of ruins that but on this peaceful evening I am grateful. I am grateful for all the wonderful little things that we so often overlook.

The winter time, after the holiday season is over, makes me feel like hunkering down. What with the blanket of snow laying on the ground and the sun sinking well before 6 pm the quiet starts very early. Something about the heavy hanging clouds and the snow makes everything seem still and serene. The tree branches hang low, heavy with the the weight of freshly fallen snow. Beautiful. Peaceful. Full of wonder.

I'm not close to getting a job, in fact instead I'm teaching freshmen about nutrition, most of which don't salivate over nutrigenomics or locally grown organics [nothing like myself or my fellow nutrition nerds normally would]. I am however preparing myself for the big boards exam and searching for employment at a location that both seems fitting and desiring of my [cough] lack of experience.

And yet I am happy. I am content. I am here and I am trusting in the plan that will unfold as soon as I get my room cleaned up...which is very, very unorganized [but it will be immaculate very soon. My fascination with apartmenttherapy.com ever increasing].

sylyb.

Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.