It is of my opinion that a person's relationship with God changes as they age, much like a marriage. God will forever be my spouse, even when He sends me the husband I have been praying is ready to handle me. This union I have with the Big Guy has evolved and developed a lot. As I have grown in stages in life, so has my relationship. I am, after all, all about living and keeping clear from the dirty word that is 'stagnancy'. I like to live and learn and grow, I like to think I have a zest for life, I like to think that is one of my most magical gifts from God.
So anyway, back to this relationship thing. I went to church last night and the theme was trust in God and it eventually led to the Beatitudes in the Gospel of Luke. Here I am sitting there listening to something I've been trying to pound into my brain for the past near ten months. I have to trust in God's plan. GOD'S plan is not my plan. I have to have faith that the direction my life is going is the course I am intended to go. Since you all know me, you know this is one of my bigger struggles in my relationship with God.
In the past few days I've been feeling more enlightened and it was a few weeks ago I actually felt happy to be here. Yeah, God, I said it. I'm enthused this is where I am. I've been praying to you long enough to uncover my eyes. Thanks for recognizing my patience is not the best. Annnyway, back to the story. For those of you who are wondering, I am doing well here in OK and am enjoying my time, even if that means I have to get up at 4:15 every morning and am perpetually tired. It's not so much the classes or lack of sleep I'm enjoying but more the relationships I'm forming. I feel more comfortable in my own skin, an ever evolving thing for me. It's the people I'm getting to know and the lessons about living on my own that I'm learning. Don't get me wrong, I call home most days of the week, but I'm not as sad about being away from my family now. I think we all realize I had to leave to find more of myself.
Every person develops as they age, it's something we have to do. You become smarter as you study, more comfortable with socializing as you make new friends and meet new people, and find a place in the world as you work to see the path you want to take. The path. The plan. It all involves trust and faith. Like I've said before it's the fog that I'm driving in, I'm just trusting that I'll end up where I'm supposed to be if I pay attention and do my best each step of the way. Giving up on figuring it out myself, that's exhausting, I'll let God do it, it's going to turn out his way anyway - making straight lines out of crooked paths.
So this relation evolution of me and the Big One: I started out super shy, I was that kid stuck to Mom's leg when she talked with people I didn't know. "Mara, say hi." Cricket, cricket. Silence. Yep, that was me. God loved me then and I'm hoping He's still happy with how I'm turning out now. He's blessed me ridiculously well and I lead a charmed life. Have you seen my family? They're awesome, of course I'm ridiculously blessed. I had started out more comfortable once I hit eighth grade I guess, but I was on top of the totem pole. My perspective quickly changed as I started out in high school. And yeah, freshman year was really rough, and while I'm not the type to go depressed [I prefer to remain enthusiastic about life, it's more fulfilling] I went through a good portion of it unhappy with how I was developing and fitting myself in. My relationship with God was not as strong then as it is now, I didn't think to rely on Him or be a 'burden', I just thought I had to do right by Him.
Sophomore year I got up the guts to start talking a little more I think, or maybe it was just that my soon-to-be-best friend felt compelled to start hanging out with me. She was 'love in action' for me, God was working through her to send me a message. Of course, I don't see that until its hindsight, but I do see it.
Along with her I had my staple friend, the constant that had known me since I was three. My oldest friend was happy to let me tag along with her and I'm so thankful that I still keep in touch with her and enjoy her company to this day. I may not have survived freshman year without her help.
Not to discount my favorite cousin in the whole wide world, I was able to have her as my sounding board and she still is. We were similar in our situations, in what we were going through in school, and we'd survived the terribly awkward stages of our weird years together. [Laugh] Look at us now, still awkward, but more comfortable.
God was working through those friends, through my family, He was supporting me whether I recognized it or not. There will never be enough prayers of thanks to show my gratitude, I'm just trying to live it and prove it.
College was quite the experience. My relationship strengthened and increased tenfold, no, probably more. It was in college that I chose my religion. I had been raised to believe in the teachings I had all through grade school and high school, attended church with my parents every weekend. But college, going to church was my choice, and there really was no choosing, I was always there. I realized more in college than my years at private school [my solid foundation] why I chose to be a Christian. I actively pursued my relationship with God, not that I didn't have my moments where I went to church but wasn't 'there'. Again, the relationship develops and changes and evolves, just like a marriage.
Now that I've moved to my next step and just plain moved I'm seeing much more clearly that these plans I have for myself are dwarfed by the amazing plans that have been laid out for me.
You see, by the end of college, as I was fervently awaiting my results for the Spring internship match, I had mapped out where my life was going to go. In my eyes, I'd found my husband, my career, my place of employment. I'd figured out all the details on my future children, how I wanted my house to be decorated, there wasn't much I hadn't thought about [I'm introverted but my no means is being alone an issue, there are just SO many things to figure out]. I'm a list person, my head's in the clouds, I'm dreaming about the future...but I savor the here and now [lessons I've learned from my parents and grandparents, I was never one to rush off trying to be older than I was].
And God said, "Let Mara learn My plans are way better than her's" Funny Big Guy, really funny:
No internship. No boyfriend. Couldn't even get the job back at the hospital. I resorted to catering weddings, which is not all that great after you break up with someone you love. I felt lost. All the plans I had made were gone. Plans, what plans? I couldn't plan ahead. I was just treading water to keep afloat. Looking back now, I know I needed to surrender. I needed to let God take over. And so, I cried. I cried a lot. And I swam and did my yoga. I made my smoothies. I laid around. I grasped how beautiful life in what seems like disaster can be. I was home. Time passed and I bounced back, but smarter.
I applied all over the country to DI programs. I applied and I didn't make plans. I had hoped, but even when I started letting my mind wander it never got too far. I couldn't see the future without knowing the outcome of the internship. So while I waited I tried out for a play. Proof that God loves me: the people involved in the show, all the student actors, welcomed me in for exactly who I was, the goofy girl that had nothing to do with the college and wasn't even a theater student. I had so much fun doing that play and I'm so thankful for the friends I made. In fact, I want to do more, I will try out for more after this crazy year. But I'm not opposed to whatever God brings my way, He knows I can be resistant and persistent but I'm a work in progress. Nevertheless, acting is fantastic, you get to be anyone, this creative outlet.
The news - I'm moving to Oklahoma, I'm. moving. to. OKLAHOMA? Everything cool up there God? Are you sure about OK? He was. Dad believed it. Mom and I knew it was bittersweet. Well, Dad knew it, but Mom showed it. And so the purchases, planning, and packing commenced. Kind of. Mom and Dad got me set up with dishes and a vacuum, and eight million other things while I worked on finding an apartment and making my lists on things I had to do before I had to leave that next month. The packing didn't really get going until I was forced. Much like right before college, the dining room was crowded with my things, and I stared at them as if to burn a hole in them. If I didn't do it the day wouldn't arrive when I'd have to leave. SHUT DOWN MODE. Obviously, I eventually packed with Mom's help.
I'm still lost, but I'm putting a death grip on God's hand. If You dare let go I'm might go under again, I need You to lead the way. And so I pray, I pray a lot. I feel like I should pray more and more. But I love my new church and my fellow interns. The people at the hospital are all SO nice, it's a wonderful fit for me. I'm back in my school groove, although doing homework is not really my thing yet, getting there. And I'm making short term plans. I'm trying to see and do as much as I can while I'm here. I'm making the most of the opportunity God helped push me into. I think He knows I need some coercing when it comes to big life changes. He knows and He's leading the way.
So now, I'm happy being single. I'm happy to be in Oklahoma even if I'm broke. I'm happy I got in to this internship with the masters. I'm happy I'm still keeping in touch with my high school and college friends and making new ones here. I'm happy and I'm not planning. My head's still in the clouds, don't get me wrong, but I'm trusting that God's taking me where I'm supposed to end up. And I'm constantly praying He uncovers my eyes to the next step before I start planning too far in advance. My eager-beaver syndrome had to get pulled back, "whoah, Mara, there's more for you to see and do than settling down just yet." And I've come to terms with that and I'm cool with it. Still scared but ready and working on trusting God, throw up my hands and just say, lead the way. I'm letting Him take control and working on the relationship I have with Him, the ever evolving and growing relationship.
Long story short, don't worry about me. Even though I'm scared about the unknown ahead, God's got me covered. I'm happy being here and I miss you all terribly.
SYLYB
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