Independence...best weekend so far

I'd like to start off by saying that I am so sorry I was not able to be home this weekend or last. If I were any closer I would have been in the car to be with my family and friends during celebration and distress. Know that my mind and heart was with you though.

It has been a long time coming I think. Terrified of change, terrified of having to do things on my own but there's something freeing about overcoming that fear.

I think its now starting to hit me more. I remember Mom told me how I was the child that didn't want to be held or cuddled on; my brothers loved that. I don't think that marked me as a person that doesn't like to be touched or hugged [I do love it now, and moreover I love touching things. If you've ever been shopping with me you realize I touch everything all the time, the groceries, the shirts on their hangers, the shoes, and craft supplies, etc]. What I do think is that maybe that told my mother early on that one day I would be independent. It may have taken some time to spread out my wings but I feel like being so far from home forces you, thrusts you, into a new situation where you must take control. Not just take control though, own the life you lead.

If I want to go grocery shopping, I don't wait on anyone but myself. If there's laundry to be done, it is my task alone. If I think it'd be a good idea to go to the store and buy a dress [which I've decided is going to be my new staple piece, just as soon as I get a few more] then I will do it. If I want to plan a trip to California and back, then not a soul will stop me on my journey there.

Long story short, I am gaining my independence. Mom, no need to worry about me all the time.

In other news, as usual...
I had the best weekend here. I am sore, bruised, and in need of another day before Monday, but it was just what I could have hoped for. The Wellness Center, movies and lounging with some enchiladas Friday night after errands on Friday. Domestic work, a walk around Lake Hefner [gorgeous weather], Panera, church, and roller skating [post getting lost on the way there] on Saturday. Swimming, TV, and homework on Sunday. I had hoped on going dress shopping but I'll wait until my loans come in for that, don't necessarily want to go to the mall by myself. I'm independent but I'm not a loner. I plan on taking a bath and lighting some candles too.

Yep, good weekend.

Oh, the bruises you ask? Yeah, bit the dust twice in a row at the rink. Damn kids need to slow down and not shove, possibly get some manners too. And I say kids because most everyone was twelve. A video on youtube highlighting that excursion is to follow shortly. Check back on here for it to be posted, or get on youtube, or get on facebook, you've got options.

I have three weeks left before my management rotation is over, I have the Oklahoma Dietetic Association conference at the end of the month to attend and will be getting some community hours. I'm writing articles on nutrition for WIC employees this month since it's NATIONAL NUTRITION MONTH in March. And in case you were wondering, National Dietitian Day is March 1oth.

I miss my parents, my brothers, my dog. I miss my cousin, my best friend, all my friends, and my energetic nephew. I think about you all a ton but am enjoying this part of my journey.

As Great As...

As great as I've been doing there are still those days you just want to curl up in a corner and lock out the world. Yeah, crying at the drop of a hat is actually awesome...not, but sometimes it is necessary [according to me at least]. Today is one of those days. That's when you ask Maria for advice and she says "Don't have a pity party, do something happy."

Great advice that's not always the easiest to follow.

The weeks are rolling by wonderfully. I have finished 6 of my weeks and have four left to do. My last day is March 19th. This is great and yet many things are coming up and need to be turned in: major projects, in-depth studies, surveys, and school projects that must be in. Yeah, I'm a bit overwhelmed. But I chose this and I have to muster up the gumption to just GET. IT. DONE.

Gramma and Grampa's 60th Anniversary party is today, most everyone is there. They know I'd be there if I could but I miss seeing them. I miss seeing all my family.

Not really feeling saying much else, when I'm in a better mood you'll hear all the good stuff, all the boring stuff. Everything.

MYLYB

The Plan

So You Know How I'm Feeling, I'm 'Bout to Get All God's Message on You All:

It is of my opinion that a person's relationship with God changes as they age, much like a marriage. God will forever be my spouse, even when He sends me the husband I have been praying is ready to handle me. This union I have with the Big Guy has evolved and developed a lot. As I have grown in stages in life, so has my relationship. I am, after all, all about living and keeping clear from the dirty word that is 'stagnancy'. I like to live and learn and grow, I like to think I have a zest for life, I like to think that is one of my most magical gifts from God.

So anyway, back to this relationship thing. I went to church last night and the theme was trust in God and it eventually led to the Beatitudes in the Gospel of Luke. Here I am sitting there listening to something I've been trying to pound into my brain for the past near ten months. I have to trust in God's plan. GOD'S plan is not my plan. I have to have faith that the direction my life is going is the course I am intended to go. Since you all know me, you know this is one of my bigger struggles in my relationship with God.

In the past few days I've been feeling more enlightened and it was a few weeks ago I actually felt happy to be here. Yeah, God, I said it. I'm enthused this is where I am. I've been praying to you long enough to uncover my eyes. Thanks for recognizing my patience is not the best. Annnyway, back to the story. For those of you who are wondering, I am doing well here in OK and am enjoying my time, even if that means I have to get up at 4:15 every morning and am perpetually tired. It's not so much the classes or lack of sleep I'm enjoying but more the relationships I'm forming. I feel more comfortable in my own skin, an ever evolving thing for me. It's the people I'm getting to know and the lessons about living on my own that I'm learning. Don't get me wrong, I call home most days of the week, but I'm not as sad about being away from my family now. I think we all realize I had to leave to find more of myself.


Every person develops as they age, it's something we have to do. You become smarter as you study, more comfortable with socializing as you make new friends and meet new people, and find a place in the world as you work to see the path you want to take. The path. The plan. It all involves trust and faith. Like I've said before it's the fog that I'm driving in, I'm just trusting that I'll end up where I'm supposed to be if I pay attention and do my best each step of the way. Giving up on figuring it out myself, that's exhausting, I'll let God do it, it's going to turn out his way anyway - making straight lines out of crooked paths.

So this relation evolution of me and the Big One: I started out super shy, I was that kid stuck to Mom's leg when she talked with people I didn't know. "Mara, say hi." Cricket, cricket. Silence. Yep, that was me. God loved me then and I'm hoping He's still happy with how I'm turning out now. He's blessed me ridiculously well and I lead a charmed life. Have you seen my family? They're awesome, of course I'm ridiculously blessed. I had started out more comfortable once I hit eighth grade I guess, but I was on top of the totem pole. My perspective quickly changed as I started out in high school. And yeah, freshman year was really rough, and while I'm not the type to go depressed [I prefer to remain enthusiastic about life, it's more fulfilling] I went through a good portion of it unhappy with how I was developing and fitting myself in. My relationship with God was not as strong then as it is now, I didn't think to rely on Him or be a 'burden', I just thought I had to do right by Him.

Sophomore year I got up the guts to start talking a little more I think, or maybe it was just that my soon-to-be-best friend felt compelled to start hanging out with me. She was 'love in action' for me, God was working through her to send me a message. Of course, I don't see that until its hindsight, but I do see it.

Along with her I had my staple friend, the constant that had known me since I was three. My oldest friend was happy to let me tag along with her and I'm so thankful that I still keep in touch with her and enjoy her company to this day. I may not have survived freshman year without her help.

Not to discount my favorite cousin in the whole wide world, I was able to have her as my sounding board and she still is. We were similar in our situations, in what we were going through in school, and we'd survived the terribly awkward stages of our weird years together. [Laugh] Look at us now, still awkward, but more comfortable.

God was working through those friends, through my family, He was supporting me whether I recognized it or not. There will never be enough prayers of thanks to show my gratitude, I'm just trying to live it and prove it.

College was quite the experience. My relationship strengthened and increased tenfold, no, probably more. It was in college that I chose my religion. I had been raised to believe in the teachings I had all through grade school and high school, attended church with my parents every weekend. But college, going to church was my choice, and there really was no choosing, I was always there. I realized more in college than my years at private school [my solid foundation] why I chose to be a Christian. I actively pursued my relationship with God, not that I didn't have my moments where I went to church but wasn't 'there'. Again, the relationship develops and changes and evolves, just like a marriage.

Now that I've moved to my next step and just plain moved I'm seeing much more clearly that these plans I have for myself are dwarfed by the amazing plans that have been laid out for me.

You see, by the end of college, as I was fervently awaiting my results for the Spring internship match, I had mapped out where my life was going to go. In my eyes, I'd found my husband, my career, my place of employment. I'd figured out all the details on my future children, how I wanted my house to be decorated, there wasn't much I hadn't thought about [I'm introverted but my no means is being alone an issue, there are just SO many things to figure out]. I'm a list person, my head's in the clouds, I'm dreaming about the future...but I savor the here and now [lessons I've learned from my parents and grandparents, I was never one to rush off trying to be older than I was].

And God said, "Let Mara learn My plans are way better than her's" Funny Big Guy, really funny:
No internship. No boyfriend. Couldn't even get the job back at the hospital. I resorted to catering weddings, which is not all that great after you break up with someone you love. I felt lost. All the plans I had made were gone. Plans, what plans? I couldn't plan ahead. I was just treading water to keep afloat. Looking back now, I know I needed to surrender. I needed to let God take over. And so, I cried. I cried a lot. And I swam and did my yoga. I made my smoothies. I laid around. I grasped how beautiful life in what seems like disaster can be. I was home. Time passed and I bounced back, but smarter.

I applied all over the country to DI programs. I applied and I didn't make plans. I had hoped, but even when I started letting my mind wander it never got too far. I couldn't see the future without knowing the outcome of the internship. So while I waited I tried out for a play. Proof that God loves me: the people involved in the show, all the student actors, welcomed me in for exactly who I was, the goofy girl that had nothing to do with the college and wasn't even a theater student. I had so much fun doing that play and I'm so thankful for the friends I made. In fact, I want to do more, I will try out for more after this crazy year. But I'm not opposed to whatever God brings my way, He knows I can be resistant and persistent but I'm a work in progress. Nevertheless, acting is fantastic, you get to be anyone, this creative outlet.

The news - I'm moving to Oklahoma, I'm. moving. to. OKLAHOMA? Everything cool up there God? Are you sure about OK? He was. Dad believed it. Mom and I knew it was bittersweet. Well, Dad knew it, but Mom showed it. And so the purchases, planning, and packing commenced. Kind of. Mom and Dad got me set up with dishes and a vacuum, and eight million other things while I worked on finding an apartment and making my lists on things I had to do before I had to leave that next month. The packing didn't really get going until I was forced. Much like right before college, the dining room was crowded with my things, and I stared at them as if to burn a hole in them. If I didn't do it the day wouldn't arrive when I'd have to leave. SHUT DOWN MODE. Obviously, I eventually packed with Mom's help.

I'm still lost, but I'm putting a death grip on God's hand. If You dare let go I'm might go under again, I need You to lead the way. And so I pray, I pray a lot. I feel like I should pray more and more. But I love my new church and my fellow interns. The people at the hospital are all SO nice, it's a wonderful fit for me. I'm back in my school groove, although doing homework is not really my thing yet, getting there. And I'm making short term plans. I'm trying to see and do as much as I can while I'm here. I'm making the most of the opportunity God helped push me into. I think He knows I need some coercing when it comes to big life changes. He knows and He's leading the way.

So now, I'm happy being single. I'm happy to be in Oklahoma even if I'm broke. I'm happy I got in to this internship with the masters. I'm happy I'm still keeping in touch with my high school and college friends and making new ones here. I'm happy and I'm not planning. My head's still in the clouds, don't get me wrong, but I'm trusting that God's taking me where I'm supposed to end up. And I'm constantly praying He uncovers my eyes to the next step before I start planning too far in advance. My eager-beaver syndrome had to get pulled back, "whoah, Mara, there's more for you to see and do than settling down just yet." And I've come to terms with that and I'm cool with it. Still scared but ready and working on trusting God, throw up my hands and just say, lead the way. I'm letting Him take control and working on the relationship I have with Him, the ever evolving and growing relationship.

Long story short, don't worry about me. Even though I'm scared about the unknown ahead, God's got me covered. I'm happy being here and I miss you all terribly.

SYLYB

So Far Away

Suddenly, I feel very far away from home.

I live in Oklahoma, no where near where my family resides. Nowhere near Gramma and Grampa's 60th Anniversary Party which I am sorry to be missing. Nowhere near my little brother who decided he's going to Ohio State for school [and failed to call and tell me the news]. Nowhere near my pain in the ass dog that also happens to make me smile every time I think about her.

I live in Oklahoma and I am far from home, but I am blazing the path to the future I want for myself. Sometimes it's just hard to let go of the things that helped put you here [not that I will ever let go of my family....EVER] but this is kind of metaphorical here too.

In other news, one of the ladies at work gave me a Holly Hobby apron she had when she was a sixth grade because she didn't want it anymore and because she knows I wear aprons when I cook and do dishes. Yeah, I'm that girl. It's like I'm preparing to be the best housewife ever. Ha, yeah, a long way off from being a wife. I'm very happy where I am in life in that department. So much to do before I share my everything with someone for the rest of my life. Let's not take this lightly.

SYLYB.

Moving Right Along

I am supremely happy to announce that this week has gone by faster than the last. Last week in turn went faster than the one before. Now, I'm not a fan of aging quickly or losing sight of the little things in life, however, I am always happy to see 50.5 hours of work fly by so I can enjoy the precious hours of the weekend.

I had uploaded a video or me talking last week but unfortunately I think youtube may have lost it. Or perhaps it didn't upload right. Either way, I did not get anything up. Because of the ice storm last week I had to make up the 8.5 hours I missed on Friday during this past week, ergo the 50.5 hours I worked. Luckily on Friday I got to sleep in until 6 because I didn't have to be at work until 7. Yes, I did say sleeping in.

All this week I worked with the cooks in the kitchen. I gained experience figuring out yields and what to do when there isn't enough of a product for the front and back line. Next week I'll work with the stock people and the lady that does budgeting and the like. That will be my last week of working in the kitchen before I take on supervisor status. Thankfully, I'll have enough time to work on my in-depth study, major project, and finish up my in-service I'm preparing for the employees. Thank goodness I did all the data entry and tray checks this last week [not that it means anything to you]. Real world people don't even work this hard, this is intense! At least the hospital runs like a well oiled machine.

Last night I was able to go with the group of new interns [minus 2] to a piano bar in downtown OKC. As we were walking there we saw a band from outside some windows and everyone watching. Looking in at our fishbowl I started dancing behind the window, but oh wait, that's where we were going in. No worries, most everyone had been drinking anyway. The 'dueling pianos' were fantastic to listen to, a bit loud, but I have no trouble singing loudly. I wonder why my voice is so masculine sounding today. Hmmm...

In other news on a night I did not want to go to bed before 9 I decided to plan the mother of all road trips. I mean mother, if I get some other interns to go with me we may have to stop for an oil change at some point. Here's what I put on my itinerary, bit lofty, but if I don't get lofty it may not happen. Of course, if I don't have grad loans to use as my cash this may fall dead fast.

Trip of the Southwest:
OKC, OK
Amarillo, TX
Albuquerque, NM
Flagstaff, AZ
Phoenix, AZ
Los Angeles, CA
Yosemite, CA
Las Vegas, NV
Grand Canyon, AZ
Santa Fe, NM
OKC, OK
Total Time: 2 Days 11 Hours: 3,416 miles

Still working on when we'd go, obviously after May classes end and before summer session starts. I also figured if four of us go in a car it'll cost about $200 on gas per person. Wonder if any trains could take us for cheaper. We're considering using sleeping bags and tents. No, seriously....I want to do this trip. I set my mind to it, something WILL happen [unfortunately maybe not quite as lofty, this is after all driving across half the country and back, not to mention the time it would take]. We may have some people that provide us shelter along the way in Texas, New Mexico, and Arizona. Living off the hospitality of others, we poor grad students need all the assistance we can.

More later....
SYLYB

Woot woot. Celebrate Nicholas' getting in!!!